SMS, y'all, SMS

Perhaps you, like me, occasionally find yourself plagued with a dreadful case of what I lovingly refer to as "SMS" -- sh*tty mood syndrome.  Full disclosure...  A piece of me somewhat hesitated as to whether or not I should actually write that word on social media.  Call me a rule-follower, I know.  It's true.  But to alter SMS to CMS (crummy or crappy mood syndrome, if you will) just doesn't seem to do the actual SMS sentiments/symptoms justice.  Also, I would technically be lying and attempting to make myself seem better than I really am, because let's face it...  I don't call it CMS.  I call it SMS because that's precisely what it is -- shitty mood syndrome.

Sometimes SMS is caused by my circumstances.  You know those days.  You're running late, you forgot to make your lunch, you're kind of feelin' like a whale in that outfit, you try to get a million things done and yet you feel like you've accomplished nothing...  You planned to bake a cake for your friend's birthday, but you forgot the sugar at the store.  Head-throbbing.  Heart-racing.  Eyes stuck in an impenetrable stare at the stupid spoon in the stupid bowl because the stupid cake now won't have the stupid ingredient that apparently makes it taste good.  The smoke alarm starts going off.  You can't figure out how to make it stop.  Your phone is ringing.  You have 7 emails you haven't responded to and 21 text messages.  All you want to do is close your eyes and magically wind up in your jammies in bed watching Parenthood or slowly melt into a puddle of tears on the floor because everything that seems like a big, freaking deal actually isn't a big, freaking deal but it feels like such a big, freaking deal that it's making you be such a big, freaking mess.

Other times SMS more so has to do with my heart.  It comes about when I feel as though my rights have been infringed upon, or I'm mad or sad or irritated or resentful or bitter or confused or a combination of them all.  And no matter if the sun is shining and the birds are chirping, nothing seems to shake the displeased, discontent, weary, ungrateful sentiments deep within my bones.  Almost always, however, SMS reveals one of two things.  My eyes have either been fixed on myself or what seems to be the lack within my circumstances.  In my most recent case, I think it has been a combination of the two.

I've felt sad, envious, jealous, and honestly lustful in desiring things I simply don't have.  Instead of giving thanks for what God has graciously given me, I'm often envious because I wish I made more money or had more free time or my body looked perfect in dresses, jeans, shorts, and bathing suits alike.  But recently I've noticed, my sin has been rearing its ugly head in jealousy and lust in regard to desiring a boyfriend, husband, marriage, whatever you want to call it.  Understand when I say there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a boyfriend or to be married one day.  I truly believe it is a holy desire!  And I'm so thankful Jesus gave me that desire to be married to a godly man one day!  But because of my sinful condition, my good desires regularly become tainted with unholiness.  Thus while a part of me does hope to be married one day because of the way I will get to honor, respect, and serve him, I also want to be married because a part of me really believes when I have a boyfriend or get married I will feel more valuable, approved of, and loved -- even though I know I cannot be any more loved than I already am in my relationship with Jesus.

Truth be told, I hate even admitting this.  I wish you could see my eyes right now.  I'm so prideful and don't want to be that girl.  I don't want to admit how self-centered I can be.  And I definitely don't want to admit I struggle with discontentment in my singleness.  I even hate the word singleness -- it makes it sound like some dreadful condition that is the result of being bitten by a wretched fly from the heart of the Sahara desert.  I think I'd rather call it Plenty or Table for Two.  Because let's face it.  For one, I really do have plenty -- more than I deserve.  I just kind of also want something else...    And two, it's not really like I'm alone. Jesus always sits with me at the table, in fact, He technically invited me to sit at the table with Him.  In Christ it's never a table for one, but I'd just prefer a table for 3 -- or maybe 7 one day?!  ;)

So often think that if I really loved Jesus, I'd be totally fine.  I wouldn't care.  I'd spend my days without a single passing thought about that cute guy or that cute guy or that one and whether or not he liked my stupid Instagram photo or invited me to coffee.  (Not gonna lie, this is so honest it makes me cringe juuuust a little bit... haha)

But honestly, I think that's a lie.  I really love Jesus.  Do I want to love Him more?  Absolutely.  Do I forget about Him?  Yes.  Do I regularly choose my sin over Him?  Yes.  But I love Him deeply, and by His grace, He has surrounded and crowned me with His steadfast love that lasts forever.  Just because we walk with Jesus doesn't mean we won't be disappointed or jealous or sad.  One.  We're sinful.  Two.  We live in a fallen world.  Our broken tendency is to survey the world around us, fixate on the one or two things we lack, believe that if God was good, if He really loved us, if He really cared, then He would give us those things.  

We look over, under, up, down, sideways, and all around with grace upon grace upon grace on every side and simply miss each one because we're so consumed by what we don't have and what we think will ultimately satisfy our hearts.

Guess what it leads to every time?  SMS, y'all, lemme tell ya.  Because even if and when we get those things, 
they're never enough.

Jesus reminded me yesterday that this condition of SMS is a reflection of what's happening in my heart.  Sometimes we just have icky moods.  But more often than not, when I really stop to examine what's going on, I'm experiencing the emotions that come from my sinful condition of wanting things not necessarily for the glory of God but for the pleasure and satisfaction it will give me.  This isn't new or unique to me.  It all began in the garden.

God had given Adam and Eve absolutely everything they needed for abundant life.  Every tree, every flower, every animal was theirs to enjoy -- except the one tree.  They had everything.  Everything.  Yet which one did they want?  The one He had withheld from them in His divine wisdom and love.  They assumed that tree, the tree of knowledge of good and evil, the fruit from that tree was better than living in obedience to God's commands.  They assumed partaking in what had been withheld from them would truly be the answer to satisfaction and joy, when all satisfaction and joy had already been given to them.

I think of my own life and how often instead of rejoicing and giving thanks for all the Lord has given me, I find the one thing (at that moment) I feel like He's withheld from me, and I grumble or despair.  But the garden reveals His no toward us may seem painful in the moment but is always gracious and for our ultimate good and His glory.  

I can either spend my days pouting and throwing myself pity parties or I can run to Jesus.  I can spend my days in fits of jealousy and deep drudgery, or I can, by God's grace, turn my eyes toward Jesus.  I can be completely honest before Him about my disappointment and my hope that one day the table will not only be for two but for three.  I can share with Him my insecurities, my irritation, my anger, my shame.  He knows.  He is not disappointed.  He is our Father who always, always, always welcomes us with open arms.  I can walk by the flesh or I can choose to believe, by faith, that the abundant life is possible here on earth.  Yet it isn't found in the perfect circumstances, the most fabulous home, or the most daring adventure.  Abundant life is found in Jesus, and we experience it by faith, giving thanks for who the Lord is and walking in the power of the Holy Spirit.  The choice is mine.  The choice is yours.  We can wallow in our sorrows.  We can despair about all the things we wish were ours.  We can throw up our hands in rage...  And sometimes we should.  We should be transparent and open with the Lord about how we're feeling and what we're thinking.  Life isn't all daisies and everything we see in Southern Living -- though I do thoroughly enjoy them both.  Life is full of suffering, hardship, pain, and sometimes nos we desperately wish were yeses.  But the truth is, God's story never ends with ashes.

Jesus, help us to always, always, always remember that your story never ends with mourning.  Your story never ends with despair.

The truth is that one day, in the blink of an eye, this earth will pass away, and He will establish a new heaven and a new earth, where we will delight in loving and worshipping Him with all that we are.  Our dying bodies will be swallowed up in life.  There will be a day!  There will be a day when all that we see and partake in that is good and glorious will fill our hearts with joy an gladness and delight -- not only in the mountains and cappuccinos and novels and seashores and conversations themselves, but in the Creator of all good things.  There will come a day when all our worship will no longer be divided among the things of this world but will culminate and overflow onto our Lord and King.  We were made to worship, to give glory and praise to God, to enjoy all He has made, with a deep understanding that all the created order -- in its beauty and majesty and goodness and kindness is merely a shadow of the one who made it all.  

Thus for today...  For today I want to rejoice.  For today, I want to give thanks that my name is written in heaven.  For today I want to run outside, take a long bike ride, eat a spinach salad for lunch, and have a picnic as the sun is setting.  For today I want to believe that Jesus' love is better than life.  I want to see Him all around me and delight in His songs as I hear them being sung by the birds or Sons of the East on Spotify.  For today, I want to say no to the cake, the second glass of wine, and the fourth cup of coffee -- not because there is anything inherently sinful or wrong about any of them.   They're good gifts from our good Father in heaven!  But in my own heart, I see that so often in those things, I'm looking for something only Jesus can give.  And ultimately, He is more than enough for me.

I want to plan the road trip to Charleston and say no to the new dress from Anthro because I want to be a good steward of my finances and because life isn't found in the abundance of possessions or instant gratification.  (Though let's be real, I love a new Anthro or J. Crew purchase just as much as the next girl...)  For today, I want to refrain from getting on the scale and finding my value in how much I weigh.  I want to taste and see that the Lord is good.  I want to take my eyes off myself and pray for the eyes of Christ.  I want to slow down long enough to see, pray, share, and be with those around me.  I want to be still in the silence and listen.  I want to breathe deeply, to not take myself so seriously, and to live in a continual state of repentance and faith.  I want the goodness and greatness of my Lord Jesus to be both explicit and implicit in my words and actions.  

But most of all...  I want to come before Him in honesty and humility and confess that my tendency is to sulk and wallow in my shitty moods.  My tendency is to complain and have eyes that are fixated only on myself and what I don't have.  My tendency is to throw myself a pity party and harbor jealousy and bitterness in my heart when I ought to be rejoicing with those around me.  My tendency is to believe that all joy, all hope, all love is or will be found in marriage or the future, better version of myself orrrr as soon as I lose 10 pounds or finally get my life and schedule under control...  The list goes on.  But that's not the truth.  They're lies that lead to bondage and ultimately death.  

I want to rejoice that thanks be to God that Jesus is full of grace and truth, and that His truth sets us free.  The truth is that He came to give LIFE and LIFE abundantly.  All joy, all hope, all love, all victory, all freedom, all peace is found in relationship with Him.  The Lord is acquainted with all of our ways.  And yet knowing every intimate detail of our thoughts, actions, and motivations, He does not deal with us according to what we deserve.  He relates to us on the basis of His unending grace -- because of the perfect life Jesus lived on our behalf.  Jesus took on all our punishment, all our guilt, all our shame and condemnation upon himself, died, and rose again, that we might have a relationship with Him that lasts for eternity.  In relationship with Him, we're never alone.  

The Secret to Gospel-Centered Change According to Tim Chester

So it has definitely been a just a brief, little while since Linds and I last posted, and much has transpired over the course of the past few months!  We have high hopes to finish our 7 F's series, but in the mean time...  This is for those of you who have ever felt stuck or hopeless to overcome negative emotions or habitual sin patterns in your life.  First and foremost, know you're not alone.  I for one am right there with you.  I often feel as though I'm frequently aware of my sin.  Though at times it feels as though I'm being bombarded by my faults and shortcomings, the reality is my sin runs so much deeper than I could ever imagine.  While it is often difficult to come to grips with our own darkness, it is truly such a mark of the Lord's love for us because as we are reminded of our sin, we're constantly reminded of our need for Jesus.  That being said, I recently started reading a book that the Lord is already using to convict my heart and transform my mind about change and being conformed into the image of Jesus.  Thus I'd love to share with y'all a few
excerpts from chapters one and two of 

"You Can Change" by Tim Chester

(It comes highly recommended, and two chapters in, I'm already loving it myself!)

"Jesus is the perfect person, the true image of God, the glory of the Father.  And God's agenda for change is for us to become like Jesus.

In Romans 8, Paul says that God uses everything that happens to make us like Jesus, both the good and the bad.  Indeed, the bad things become in some sense good for us because they make us like Jesus.  In themselves they may be evil, but God uses them for the good of those who love him, and that good is that we become more like Jesus.  This isn't a letdown.  We shouldn't be disappointed that the promise of good things turns out to be conformity to Christ.  It's not like offering a child a meal deal from McDonald's and then giving them a McSalad.  We know salad is good for us, but we'd rather enjoy a Big Mac.  Jesus isn't just good for us -- he is good itself.  He defines good.  The secret of gospel change is being convinced that Jesus is the good life and the fountain of all joy.  Any alternative we might choose would be the letdown.

[...]  God is in the business of change.  He's interested in making us like Jesus.  He's restoring his image in us so that we can know him, rule with him, and reflect his glory.  [...]

Change takes place in our lives as we turn to see the glory of God in Jesus.  We 'see' the glory of Christ as we 'hear' the gospel of Christ (2 Corinthians 4:4-6).  Moral effort, fear of judgment, and sets of rules can't bring lasting change.  But amazing things happen when we 'turn to the Lord.'

[...]  You will cleanse no sin from your life that you have not first recognized as being pardoned through the cross.  This is because holiness always starts in the heart.  The essence of holiness is not new behavior, activity, or disciplines.  Holiness is new affections, new desires, and new motives that then lead to new behavior.  If you don't see your sin as completely pardoned, then your affections, desires, and motives will be wrong.  You will aim to prove yourself.  Your focus will be the consequences of your sin rather than hating the sin itself and desiring God in its place.

Many people change their behavior, but their motives and desires are still wrong; so their behavior is no more pleasing to God than their old behavior.  Consider an alcoholic who gives up drink because he fears social stigma or wants to save his marriage or doesn't want to end up in the gutter.  It's good that he's given up drink, but he isn't more holy in God's sight because he's still motivated by selfish desires that exclude God.  Or consider a Christian who goes to a prayer meeting to impress people or feel good about herself or avoid a Christian friend's rebuke.  Her behavior has changed, but her motives and desires and unchanged.  This isn't holiness (though it may be that praying with other Christians contributes to a change of affections).  John Piper says, 'Conversion is the creation of new desires, not just new duties; new delights, not just new deeds; new treasures, not just new tasks.

The great nineteenth-century preacher Charles Spurgeon illustrates this point with the story of a humble gardener who presents a bunch of carrots to his king because he so esteems and loves his sovereign.  The king rewards his love with a plot of land so he can continue to bless his kingdom.  A courtier sees this and thinks, 'An acre of land for a bunch of carrots -- what a deal!'  So the next day the courtier presents the king with a magnificent horse.  The wise king, discerning his heart, simply accepts the gift with a 'thank you.'  When the courtier is disconsolate, the king explains, 'The gardener gave me the carrots, but you have given yourself the horse.  You gave not for love of me but for love of yourself in the hope of a reward.'  Are you feeding the hungry or are you feeding yourself?  asks Spurgeon.  Are you clothing the naked or are you seeking your own reward?  Are you serving God or serving yourself?  The Bible talks often of reward, but that reward is God himself -- the joy of knowing and pleasing the God we love and in whom we delight.

We don't change so we can prove ourselves to God.  We're accepted by God so we can change, God gives us a new identity, and this new identity is the motive and basis for our change."

*

Lord Jesus, as we embark on this new week, this new year, we are filled with both hope and fear.  We want to believe you desire to change us, but so often we're are plagued with the weariness of our past faults and failures.  We want to change, Lord, but so often we feel so trapped in our own inabilities to change.  But thank you, Jesus, that you did not leave us to change ourselves, but you have committed to changing us until we are faultless, blameless, and fully transformed into the image of Christ.

It is my prayer that as we meet with you this year, we would be honest before you about the countless ways we fall short and the seemingly endless list of things we so often consider "better" than you.  Holy Spirit, I pray that you would examine our hearts, and that by your grace, you would reveal to us our sin.  I confess that I am so quick to treasure and idolize and just plain want things more than I desire you -- consistency, stability, control, freedom, health, food, the perfect exercise regimen, the perfect body, perfection in general, my reputation, the approval and opinions of others, marriage, dating, my own effectiveness and productivity, the dream house, the Kendra Scott earrings, heck the list goes on...  Gosh, Lord, to think that you love us while knowing full well the depth of depravity within our hearts...  We admit that we don't fully understand how deeply our sin grieves your heart, but Lord, we pray that you would help us to comprehend that in our moments of sin, we are not receiving the fullness of your love for us.  

Thank you for your forgiveness, Lord.  Jesus, thank you that you were willing to bear the weight of our sin, so that we might know you and experience your love and plan for our lives.  I pray that we would love you deeply and above all things --
that you would be our prized and priceless treasure.  

I pray that we would see you as the good life and the fountain of all joy!  I pray that you would fill us with faith to believe that you created us for so much more than what we're often content to settle for.  I pray that you would fill us with HOPE to believe that you not only can change us, but it is your will, your delight to conform us into the image of Jesus.  May we believe that you are good, that you are at work, and that you are the one who changes us.  Thank you that ultimately all our human, fleshly efforts to change and sanctify ourselves apart from you are in vain, as our efforts only further reveal that you alone set free.  You alone give life.  You alone reconcile, redeem, restore, and fill our hearts with hope.  

Father, truthfully, in the midst of pain, sin, despair, and difficulty, it can be almost impossible at times to believe you truly do desire to heal us, change us, and make all things new.  But Lord, I pray that in our moments of doubt, you would remind us of Jesus, whose life was not free from pain or hardship, and yet He is your beloved -- the image of the invisible God and literally God in the flesh.  Remind us of Jesus who bore all of your wrath, endured all of our shame, and went to the cross for your glory and our good.  May we receive suffering and pain as your good and gracious gift for us, knowing that you work all things together for the good of those who love you and are called according to your purpose.  May we have hearts and minds that are humble, open, and willing to see each moment, each hour, and each day as an opportunity to grow in your likeness, to experience depth and intimacy with you, and to know you as the Father who loves us, the Father who did not leave us as orphans but came for us.  

May our hearts continually sing your praises.  May our songs not waver based upon the circumstances of our daily bread, but may they be as steadfast and constant as your character.  For though our circumstances are constantly in flux, you never change.  You are good and holy and true, and you deserve all the glory and praise forever and ever.  Thank you for initiating with us when we wanted nothing to do with you, that we might know your love, love you back, and spend eternity delighting in, enjoying, and glorifying you.  We love you, Jesus.

2015, let's do this.

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.  For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." 
-2 Corinthians 3:17-18