SMS, y'all, SMS

Perhaps you, like me, occasionally find yourself plagued with a dreadful case of what I lovingly refer to as "SMS" -- sh*tty mood syndrome.  Full disclosure...  A piece of me somewhat hesitated as to whether or not I should actually write that word on social media.  Call me a rule-follower, I know.  It's true.  But to alter SMS to CMS (crummy or crappy mood syndrome, if you will) just doesn't seem to do the actual SMS sentiments/symptoms justice.  Also, I would technically be lying and attempting to make myself seem better than I really am, because let's face it...  I don't call it CMS.  I call it SMS because that's precisely what it is -- shitty mood syndrome.

Sometimes SMS is caused by my circumstances.  You know those days.  You're running late, you forgot to make your lunch, you're kind of feelin' like a whale in that outfit, you try to get a million things done and yet you feel like you've accomplished nothing...  You planned to bake a cake for your friend's birthday, but you forgot the sugar at the store.  Head-throbbing.  Heart-racing.  Eyes stuck in an impenetrable stare at the stupid spoon in the stupid bowl because the stupid cake now won't have the stupid ingredient that apparently makes it taste good.  The smoke alarm starts going off.  You can't figure out how to make it stop.  Your phone is ringing.  You have 7 emails you haven't responded to and 21 text messages.  All you want to do is close your eyes and magically wind up in your jammies in bed watching Parenthood or slowly melt into a puddle of tears on the floor because everything that seems like a big, freaking deal actually isn't a big, freaking deal but it feels like such a big, freaking deal that it's making you be such a big, freaking mess.

Other times SMS more so has to do with my heart.  It comes about when I feel as though my rights have been infringed upon, or I'm mad or sad or irritated or resentful or bitter or confused or a combination of them all.  And no matter if the sun is shining and the birds are chirping, nothing seems to shake the displeased, discontent, weary, ungrateful sentiments deep within my bones.  Almost always, however, SMS reveals one of two things.  My eyes have either been fixed on myself or what seems to be the lack within my circumstances.  In my most recent case, I think it has been a combination of the two.

I've felt sad, envious, jealous, and honestly lustful in desiring things I simply don't have.  Instead of giving thanks for what God has graciously given me, I'm often envious because I wish I made more money or had more free time or my body looked perfect in dresses, jeans, shorts, and bathing suits alike.  But recently I've noticed, my sin has been rearing its ugly head in jealousy and lust in regard to desiring a boyfriend, husband, marriage, whatever you want to call it.  Understand when I say there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a boyfriend or to be married one day.  I truly believe it is a holy desire!  And I'm so thankful Jesus gave me that desire to be married to a godly man one day!  But because of my sinful condition, my good desires regularly become tainted with unholiness.  Thus while a part of me does hope to be married one day because of the way I will get to honor, respect, and serve him, I also want to be married because a part of me really believes when I have a boyfriend or get married I will feel more valuable, approved of, and loved -- even though I know I cannot be any more loved than I already am in my relationship with Jesus.

Truth be told, I hate even admitting this.  I wish you could see my eyes right now.  I'm so prideful and don't want to be that girl.  I don't want to admit how self-centered I can be.  And I definitely don't want to admit I struggle with discontentment in my singleness.  I even hate the word singleness -- it makes it sound like some dreadful condition that is the result of being bitten by a wretched fly from the heart of the Sahara desert.  I think I'd rather call it Plenty or Table for Two.  Because let's face it.  For one, I really do have plenty -- more than I deserve.  I just kind of also want something else...    And two, it's not really like I'm alone. Jesus always sits with me at the table, in fact, He technically invited me to sit at the table with Him.  In Christ it's never a table for one, but I'd just prefer a table for 3 -- or maybe 7 one day?!  ;)

So often think that if I really loved Jesus, I'd be totally fine.  I wouldn't care.  I'd spend my days without a single passing thought about that cute guy or that cute guy or that one and whether or not he liked my stupid Instagram photo or invited me to coffee.  (Not gonna lie, this is so honest it makes me cringe juuuust a little bit... haha)

But honestly, I think that's a lie.  I really love Jesus.  Do I want to love Him more?  Absolutely.  Do I forget about Him?  Yes.  Do I regularly choose my sin over Him?  Yes.  But I love Him deeply, and by His grace, He has surrounded and crowned me with His steadfast love that lasts forever.  Just because we walk with Jesus doesn't mean we won't be disappointed or jealous or sad.  One.  We're sinful.  Two.  We live in a fallen world.  Our broken tendency is to survey the world around us, fixate on the one or two things we lack, believe that if God was good, if He really loved us, if He really cared, then He would give us those things.  

We look over, under, up, down, sideways, and all around with grace upon grace upon grace on every side and simply miss each one because we're so consumed by what we don't have and what we think will ultimately satisfy our hearts.

Guess what it leads to every time?  SMS, y'all, lemme tell ya.  Because even if and when we get those things, 
they're never enough.

Jesus reminded me yesterday that this condition of SMS is a reflection of what's happening in my heart.  Sometimes we just have icky moods.  But more often than not, when I really stop to examine what's going on, I'm experiencing the emotions that come from my sinful condition of wanting things not necessarily for the glory of God but for the pleasure and satisfaction it will give me.  This isn't new or unique to me.  It all began in the garden.

God had given Adam and Eve absolutely everything they needed for abundant life.  Every tree, every flower, every animal was theirs to enjoy -- except the one tree.  They had everything.  Everything.  Yet which one did they want?  The one He had withheld from them in His divine wisdom and love.  They assumed that tree, the tree of knowledge of good and evil, the fruit from that tree was better than living in obedience to God's commands.  They assumed partaking in what had been withheld from them would truly be the answer to satisfaction and joy, when all satisfaction and joy had already been given to them.

I think of my own life and how often instead of rejoicing and giving thanks for all the Lord has given me, I find the one thing (at that moment) I feel like He's withheld from me, and I grumble or despair.  But the garden reveals His no toward us may seem painful in the moment but is always gracious and for our ultimate good and His glory.  

I can either spend my days pouting and throwing myself pity parties or I can run to Jesus.  I can spend my days in fits of jealousy and deep drudgery, or I can, by God's grace, turn my eyes toward Jesus.  I can be completely honest before Him about my disappointment and my hope that one day the table will not only be for two but for three.  I can share with Him my insecurities, my irritation, my anger, my shame.  He knows.  He is not disappointed.  He is our Father who always, always, always welcomes us with open arms.  I can walk by the flesh or I can choose to believe, by faith, that the abundant life is possible here on earth.  Yet it isn't found in the perfect circumstances, the most fabulous home, or the most daring adventure.  Abundant life is found in Jesus, and we experience it by faith, giving thanks for who the Lord is and walking in the power of the Holy Spirit.  The choice is mine.  The choice is yours.  We can wallow in our sorrows.  We can despair about all the things we wish were ours.  We can throw up our hands in rage...  And sometimes we should.  We should be transparent and open with the Lord about how we're feeling and what we're thinking.  Life isn't all daisies and everything we see in Southern Living -- though I do thoroughly enjoy them both.  Life is full of suffering, hardship, pain, and sometimes nos we desperately wish were yeses.  But the truth is, God's story never ends with ashes.

Jesus, help us to always, always, always remember that your story never ends with mourning.  Your story never ends with despair.

The truth is that one day, in the blink of an eye, this earth will pass away, and He will establish a new heaven and a new earth, where we will delight in loving and worshipping Him with all that we are.  Our dying bodies will be swallowed up in life.  There will be a day!  There will be a day when all that we see and partake in that is good and glorious will fill our hearts with joy an gladness and delight -- not only in the mountains and cappuccinos and novels and seashores and conversations themselves, but in the Creator of all good things.  There will come a day when all our worship will no longer be divided among the things of this world but will culminate and overflow onto our Lord and King.  We were made to worship, to give glory and praise to God, to enjoy all He has made, with a deep understanding that all the created order -- in its beauty and majesty and goodness and kindness is merely a shadow of the one who made it all.  

Thus for today...  For today I want to rejoice.  For today, I want to give thanks that my name is written in heaven.  For today I want to run outside, take a long bike ride, eat a spinach salad for lunch, and have a picnic as the sun is setting.  For today I want to believe that Jesus' love is better than life.  I want to see Him all around me and delight in His songs as I hear them being sung by the birds or Sons of the East on Spotify.  For today, I want to say no to the cake, the second glass of wine, and the fourth cup of coffee -- not because there is anything inherently sinful or wrong about any of them.   They're good gifts from our good Father in heaven!  But in my own heart, I see that so often in those things, I'm looking for something only Jesus can give.  And ultimately, He is more than enough for me.

I want to plan the road trip to Charleston and say no to the new dress from Anthro because I want to be a good steward of my finances and because life isn't found in the abundance of possessions or instant gratification.  (Though let's be real, I love a new Anthro or J. Crew purchase just as much as the next girl...)  For today, I want to refrain from getting on the scale and finding my value in how much I weigh.  I want to taste and see that the Lord is good.  I want to take my eyes off myself and pray for the eyes of Christ.  I want to slow down long enough to see, pray, share, and be with those around me.  I want to be still in the silence and listen.  I want to breathe deeply, to not take myself so seriously, and to live in a continual state of repentance and faith.  I want the goodness and greatness of my Lord Jesus to be both explicit and implicit in my words and actions.  

But most of all...  I want to come before Him in honesty and humility and confess that my tendency is to sulk and wallow in my shitty moods.  My tendency is to complain and have eyes that are fixated only on myself and what I don't have.  My tendency is to throw myself a pity party and harbor jealousy and bitterness in my heart when I ought to be rejoicing with those around me.  My tendency is to believe that all joy, all hope, all love is or will be found in marriage or the future, better version of myself orrrr as soon as I lose 10 pounds or finally get my life and schedule under control...  The list goes on.  But that's not the truth.  They're lies that lead to bondage and ultimately death.  

I want to rejoice that thanks be to God that Jesus is full of grace and truth, and that His truth sets us free.  The truth is that He came to give LIFE and LIFE abundantly.  All joy, all hope, all love, all victory, all freedom, all peace is found in relationship with Him.  The Lord is acquainted with all of our ways.  And yet knowing every intimate detail of our thoughts, actions, and motivations, He does not deal with us according to what we deserve.  He relates to us on the basis of His unending grace -- because of the perfect life Jesus lived on our behalf.  Jesus took on all our punishment, all our guilt, all our shame and condemnation upon himself, died, and rose again, that we might have a relationship with Him that lasts for eternity.  In relationship with Him, we're never alone.  

"Money On My Mind"

Lord Jesus, thank you for being the provider of all that we could ever ask or hope for in giving us Jesus.  You have given us life, breath, the ability to run, move, dance, sing, and play outside.  You continually fill our hearts with your peace, grace, and unconditional love.  And yet you know us.  You see us in our weakest hours.  I confess that this week alone you have seen me when I have been literally unable to calm down because I've been so anxious about finances.  You've seen me as I've spent money on things I don't need, and you've seen me as I've disdained money as something awful from the enemy -- neither of which was good...!  And instead of looking at me with disappointment and disgust, you lovingly remind me that you are completely satisfied with me not because of my performance but because of Christ's perfect performance on my behalf.  You are far too good to us, Lord.  I ask that you would fill me with the Holy Spirit and speak through me.  You know I lack so much wisdom and discipline in the area of finances, but I trust that you are all-powerful, Lord, and that somehow your power is made perfect in our weakness.  I pray that I wouldn't write what I want to be true but that I would write what your Word says is true.  May your glory and honor be manifest in my simple words this evening, Father.  Amen.

*

A few months ago, I was driving through one of the most beautiful neighborhoods in Oklahoma City with two of my best friends.  I have driven through that area so many times, but this particular evening, the sun was setting so beautifully that everything from the trees to the rooftops seemed to sparkle.  As we drove along, I envisioned each home with its perfect, little inhabitants -- wearing all J. Crew, praying over their meals, processing through their days as a family, lounging on beautiful Pottery Barn couches after dinner.  Even though I know that is not reality, it's so easy to imagine, "They have everything they could ever want.  They have to be happy."  

I remember the thought running through my head, "Wow.  If I ever get to live here one day...!"  I pictured a life of peace, comfort, and ease -- five mile runs every morning, the perfect marriage, angelic children, cookies always in the oven, rocking chairs on the front porch, every room always clean, every piece of silver always shined and sparkling, the whole nine yards.  Again definitely not reality, but you know how the imagination works.

About the time I was drifting far off into dreamland, one of my friends began to describe a John Piper sermon he had listened to in college.  In the sermon, Piper spoke about how as humans, we are quick to desire for ourselves kingdoms here on earth and forget that our true kingdom -- our forever home -- is in heaven.  So we do everything we can to fill our lives with peace and comfort and ease and security and beauty.  Some days that looks like a new set of dishes from William Sonoma and other days it looks like a fabulous new outfit from Nordstrom Rack (I mean it was on sale, right?!).  But the reality is that every single thing on this earth except for the souls of men will one day pass away completely.  Every lamp, every pillow, every blouse, every iPhone, every candlestick will one day be gone.

Whether it is a big, white house with navy shutters and beautiful flowerbeds or the newest dress from Anthropologie, I see that my fleshly tendency is to lust after the things of this world, thinking that if and when I get those things, my heart will be more satisfied.  I will be one step closer to the future, better version of myself I hope to become.  I know that for me personally, my high (misplaced) value of money isn't so much about the money itself but about what it can buy, what I think it will give me.

For example, I find that when I'm struggling with deeply desiring the approval of others, I want others to think that I'm pretty and stylish.  So I spend any extra money I get on new clothes or getting a manicure or pedicure.  Are clothes and manicures bad?  Absolutely not!  In fact, I think that when done with the right motives and heart attitude, shopping and pedicures can be so relaxing and the sweetest treats!  But admittedly, so often my motives are not pure.  Usually I find that even my purest desires can be somewhat tainted with the desire to build a kingdom for myself.  I want others to think highly of me.  I want others to affirm and validate me.  It's all about me.  

Y'all there is this idol of image that I am so quick to serve.  I want to be seen as the fashionable one.  I want to be known as having expensive taste and good style.  I enjoy eating at nice restaurants.  I want to live in a beautiful, inviting home with fresh flowers on the kitchen counter and a volcano candle burning on the coffee table.

And honestly, sometimes there is absolutely nothing wrong with those things.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to wear a cute outfit or buying a nice dress or going out for a fancy dinner.  I truly don't see anything wrong with creating homey, beautiful spaces and environments where people feel comfortable, relaxed, and at ease.  But I know that often my motives are mixed.  A new dress can just be so fun and such a sweet blessing.  Or it can become something I want to wear to impress other people or to be seen as the one who is "put-together" and pretty.  An inviting home can be a wonderful place for people to come together in community and have fun and be known and safe, but I can also look to nice things to provide me with the comfort and security I should be looking for in Jesus.  Our lives can be all about ourselves.  Or they can be all about Jesus.  We can use the things of this world to try and create heaven on earth, or the things of this world can point us to heaven.

"For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come." ~Hebrews 13:14

We can enjoy a great party, a beautiful dress, an inviting home and think to ourselves, "Wow.  What a great day.  My life rocks."  Or we can enjoy those things with the perspective that no matter how enjoyable the things of this world may be, they are only a mere shadow of the kingdom that is to come -- the kingdom of heaven, where death will be no more.  All the sad things will come undone.  We will be perfectly united to our Father, worshipping and enjoying Him for all of our days.  Our hearts will be fully and completely satisfied.  We will have absolutely no lack, no desire, no want for anything more.  

"Behold!  I tell you a mystery.  We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet.  For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall all be changed.  For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality.  When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: 'Death is swallowed up in victory.'  O death, where is your victory?  O death, where is your sting?'  The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory in our Lord Jesus Christ." ~1 Corinthians 15:51-57

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more.  And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man.  He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away.  And He who is seated on the throne said, 'Behold I am making all things new.'  Also he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'  And He said to me, 'It is done!  I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.  To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment." ~Revelation 21:1-6

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where you treasure is, there your heart will be also." ~Matthew 6:19-21

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up.  Then in his joy, he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field." ~Matthew 13:44

The things of this world can be so appealing, and they can seem as though they'll meet our deepest needs and desires.  But the truth is, have you ever bought a new purse and thought, "I love this so much!  I will never need a new purse again as long as I live!"  Only to find that a few months later, the Kate Spade outlet is having an incredible sale and... "Oh my gosh.  This bag is perfect.  If I get this, I will never need another new bag again as long as I live."  I'm laughing.  I use that example because it's true, as in I've so been that person.  The treasures we think we can store up for ourselves on this earth, which will make us more valuable or important or worthy of love, will be here today and gone tomorrow.  And even if they're still here tomorrow, chances are we'll be tired of them and onto desiring something else.

But there is a treasure that lasts forever.  There is a gift that we can never lose, that will never end, and that is a relationship with Jesus.  It's incredible that God loved us so much that even when we wanted nothing to do with Him whatsoever, He made a way for us to know Him.  He initiated with us.  He pursued us in sending Jesus, who though He was the King of the universe came to earth with absolute humility, bravery, and love.  He came so that we could know God, so that we could see what He is like -- hear His voice, see His actions, experience His love, grace, power, and healing.  He came to restore us back into a relationship with God.  In the beginning when sin entered the world, relationship between God and humans was destroyed -- not because God didn't love us, but because we chose to go our own way apart from Him.  We chose sin instead of God.  We chose our own kingdoms instead of God's kingdom.  But God loved us so much that He didn't leave us to destroy ourselves.  He sent Jesus, who came so that we might be saved from our sins.  He came so that we might have LIFE and have it to the fullest!

Jesus lived the life we never could.  Though He was perfect and didn't deserve death, He died in our place.  And in doing so, He took on our sins and gave us His righteousness.  Everything good Jesus ever did is now attributed to those who call upon Him as Savior and Lord.  He forgives us of all of our sins -- past, present, and future.  And He gives us the gift of salvation, of knowing God intimately and personally -- who though He sees the darkest things about us, loves us more than we could ever imagine.  Jesus is the true treasure, the lasting treasure who changes everything now and for eternity.

"But godliness with contentment is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world.  But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.  But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into run and destruction.  For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.  It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs." ~1 Timothy 6:6-10

Consider a few of these questions to help you process where you're at in your journey with Jesus in regard to money...

Every dollar in your bank account -- where did it come from?

I once heard that if you want to know where your treasure is, look at your bank statement.
On what do you spend your money?  Your heart will be close by.

Are you storing up your treasures on earth?  Or in heaven?

How are you stewarding what God has given you?

For what purposes do you spend your money?

In what ways do you seek glory for yourself?

What does the idolized "future, better version of yourself" look like?

How are you using money to serve that idol?

Have you sat down and spent time working through your budget with the Lord?
Would you consider sitting down with someone who is older and wiser and asking for help with your budgeting, giving, saving, and spending?
Who could you ask?

Are you giving to the kingdom of heaven?

How can you trust the Lord with your finances?
What is most valuable to you?

How does the fact that this world is not your permanent home affect how you spend your money?

I'm not going to lie.  These questions are SO convicting to me.  It is true that sometimes I can get so stressed out about the money itself.  Do I have enough for gas this month?  Am I putting enough in savings?  Am I giving enough to the church?  How much should I spend on coffee?  Should I never have coffee again?  Is it okay to buy flowers?  When is it alright to buy a new pair of shoes?  How much is too much to spend?   But amidst any anxiety, we can have peace because of who our God is!  When we trust Jesus as our Lord and Savior, He gives us the Holy Spirit to come and live inside our hearts.  Jesus said that when the Holy Spirit came, that He would guide us into all truth.  We have the incredible blessing and privilege as believers to have direct access to the Lord through Christ and the Holy Spirit.  God does not want us to be controlled by our finances or the things of this world, so I truly believe that when we ask Him for His wisdom and guidance in our spending, saving, and giving, He will lead us in the way He would have us go.  I know that for me, however, so often I just don't ask Him.  I am impatient and want an immediate answer.  I often think I know best and choose what is right in my own eyes, rather than asking for the Lord's direction.  But I know that He knows best, and so many times in life, things would be so much less painful in the long-term, if I would simply ask Jesus and wait for Him to answer in the short-term.  

Just yesterday, the Lord reminded me of when He called Matthew (aka Levi) to come and be one of His disciples.  Levi was sitting in his tax booth, working for the Roman government, basically cheating the Jewish people out of tons of money. Everyone hated him.  He was despised by pretty much the whole of society.  And while he was in the middle of his extortion, his loneliness, his shame, Jesus called to him and said, "Follow me."  And leaving everything, Levi rose and followed Him.  Jesus knows that we are far from perfect.  He sees all of the ways we look to the things of this world to satisfy us instead of looking to Him.  He sees us in the midst of our filth and sin and countless mistakes and invites us to follow Him.  He loves us not because of what we've done or haven't done, but He loves us because He made us.  And by His grace, when we trust Him to be the Lord of our lives, He is committed to us forever.  He will never leave us or forsake us.  He delights in us and will continue to show us mercy, grace, and unconditional love until we meet Him in the best embrace of our lives in the kingdom that is to come.

*

Lord, we just confess that we are quick to hoard and store up things on this earth that have no eternal value whatsoever.  All of our stuff will one day be burned up, but what will last forever is our relationship with you.  Help us to see you in your glory and desire you above all else.  We cannot change on our own, Lord.  We don't just need to revise our budgets.  We need new hearts.  And in order to receive new hearts, we need you.  Lord, we place ourselves, our money, our misplaced desires for value and status, and all our stuff in your hands.  All we have is yours.  Help us to steward the money you have entrusted to us in such a way that is honoring to you.  Help us to be cheerful givers.  Help us to see all spending in this world in light of eternity.  We need your wisdom, Lord.  We need your grace.  Help us to take steps of faith to trust you in the area of finances.  You are our good and perfect provider, Lord.  Thank you for convicting us of our sin and taking such good care of us.  Thank you that because of Jesus, our identities are not found in the size of our homes or the things in our closets but in the fact that we are deeply loved by the Creator of the Universe.  We don't deserve you, Jesus, but we are so thankful for you.  We love you forever!

Bigger…Better…More

"How big your God is

 directly effects how

 little and worthless

 your idols are."

We have constant access to MORE, BETTER & BIGGER things. No wonder so many people fall into the trap of making an idol out of possessions and wealth.
 Our culture screams at us that we are
     NOT ENOUGH if you don't have ENOUGH nice things.

"I loved owning certain things even when I didn't actually need it. However, by me possessing it-it began to possess me."

-(Organized Heart)

There have been times in my life where money and having excess have become an idol. Here is a Truth that is brought to my heart every time these things tend to come before God in my life:

"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." (Matthew 6:24 NIV)

I have been learning how our relationship with our money and possessions have 3 phases:

1. Acquisition: when we OBTAIN it
2. Ownership: when we USE or STORE things we have obtained
3. Relinquishment: when we get RID of the things we owned

Now, each of these phases can have healthy and unhealthy manifestations.
-UNHEALTHY-We hoard money/things and we want more than we need. Our possessions become an idol.
-HEALTHY-We exhibit biblical stewardship.

 Now with our sinful, selfish nature it can be hard to give of our possessions and money with a cheerful heart. However, I have realized that one of the best ways to protect myself from the love of money and idolizing possessions is by GIVING. So, how do we give and where do we give? My husband and I are currently learning about how to prioritize where our money is spent and here is what we are trying to implement:

1. Giving to OBLIGATIONS:

-take care of your family first
-2nd, give to your teachers (church, pastors, mentors, etc.)

"Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor." (‭Galatians‬ ‭6‬:‭6‬ NIV)

"Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." (‭1 Timothy‬ ‭5‬:‭8‬ NIV)

2. Giving to OPPORTUNITIES:

-Give to opportunities that arise in your life where you feel God is wanting to use you.
-Give to those especially in the faith.

"Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." (‭Galatians‬ 6:10 NIV)

"But since you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in the love we have kindled in you —see that you also excel in this grace of giving." (‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭8‬:‭7‬ NIV)

A truth that enables me to give is that

WE DON'T ACTUALLY OWN WHAT WE OWN!

This reality keeps me from idolatry and finding happiness in money and possessions.

 The more we love this life's rewards (leisure, power, popularity, financial security), the more we will discover

 HOW EMPTY THEY REALLY ARE.  

The best way to enjoy life, therefore, is to loosen our greedy grasp on earthly rewards so that we can be free to follow Christ.  In doing so, we will inherit eternal life and begin at once to experience the benefits of following Christ.

"For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it."

(1 Timothy 6:7 NIV)

So now that we know WHO to give to, let's explore HOW giving should be:

1. Periodic:
-regular intervals out of your income (e.g. tithing)

2. Personal:
-each person should give, no matter the finances of the church, because you are really giving to God, not to an organization.

3. Planned:
-God loves a cheerful giver

"Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver." (‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭9‬:‭7‬ NIV)

4. Progressive:
-in keeping with your income

5. Plentiful

6. Private:
-our Father sees our giving

"But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." (‭Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭3-4‬ NIV)

Here are a few things I have learned about God & money below...

-Our dependence for anything should be on God. He gives and takes away and we are only stewards of what we have been given:

"The Lord sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and he exalts."(1 Samuel 2:7 NIV)

"The land must not be sold permanently, because the land is mine and you reside in my land as foreigners and strangers." (Leviticus 25:23 NIV)

-God sets the terms for how we can use wealth:

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." (1 Corinthians 10:31 NIV)

"Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth,which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. 18 Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. 19 In this way they will lay up treasure for themselves as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that they may take hold of the life that is truly life." (1 Timothy 6:17-19)

Invest in real, eternal value today!

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal." (‭Matthew 6:19 NIV)

"The house of the righteous contains great treasure, but the income of the wicked brings ruin. Better a little with the fear of the Lord than great wealth with turmoil." (Proverbs 15:6, 16 NIV)

"Choose my instruction instead of silver, knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her." (Proverbs 8:10, 11 NIV)

YOU WORSHIP WHAT YOU WORRY ABOUT!!!

The only thing that lasts into Heaven are God's Word and peoples' souls.  Are you investing in these or things that will be left behind after you die?
Invest in eternity and not in this world where things do not last.   Give in such a way that you honor God every time you spend your money. 

Cause Tonight's Gonna be a Good Night

Father, thank you that you are near.  You are good.  You are light in whom there is no darkness at all.  You made the trees and the birds and the flowers and every single one of us.  You are Lord over the skies and the seas.  You are Lord of all.  Not even a bird can fall from the sky without your knowledge.  You see us.  You hear us.  You are abounding in grace and love, when we have done nothing to deserve your kindness at all.  Thank you that your character is not like our own.  No one could ever love us more or better than you, Jesus.  I confess that often while I know you see me and delight in me, I am so quick to act as though that isn't enough for me.  I run to the opinions of others to find my value and significance.  I'm so sorry for devaluing your approval of me so often. I ask that you would change me.  Reveal to me, Lord, why I am so quick to look to busyness and fun and what others think of me to find myself valuable and worthy of love.  Speak through me, Lord.  Teach me.  There is no wisdom in me apart from you.  I trust you, Father, and I believe, by your grace, you will speak through me.  Thank you for saving me and committing to me forever and ever.

*

So from what I hear, most people have their wild child stages in high school or college, right?  My wild child stage, however, was a bit postponed, in that it didn't take place until my first year out of college.  I had moved to D.C. and was working for Teach for America.  Initially when I moved there, I didn't really know anyone, to be honest.  I had made a sweet friend from Louisiana from our little TFA Facebook group, and I had become friends with my roommate from one of our mutual friends from college.  But that was about the extent of it.  

Thus as most people do after graduating college, I was forced to pretty much completely start over.  I had to make all new friends, establish my identity, find a church, set up boundaries for myself, figure out how to be an adult, and more.  Lemme just tell ya, from my experience, the learning curve for adulthood is huge.  If you're not there yet, let me be the first to forewarn you.  Get ready.  They don't tell you these things when you're in college.  Or at least to the best of my knowledge, no one told me.

All that being said, let's let the fun begin, shall we?  

Embarrassing story time.

So my roommate, Chelsea, and I were just about to move into our new apartment.  TFA Summer Institute was coming to a close, and we were ecstatic to finally have the chance to get everything together and start our little lives -- two blocks from the Capitol in a beautiful, quaint building with wood floors and creamy walls, which I will forever hold near and dear to my heart.  We lived on the third floor in Apartment #5.  The Supreme Court graced us with its presence morning and night just beyond the picture window in our living room.  I remember standing in the middle of the apartment the first day I saw it, squealing and saying, "Lord Jesus, I can't believe you would do this for me!!!!!!"  The joy is filling my heart again, even as we speak.  It was so fun!  I love that city more than I can say.

Chels and I resolved to throw a little impromptu party at our apartment the night before we actually moved all of our things.  We didn't really have any food to offer anyone, let alone any tables at which people could sit.  So naturally we made a picnic consisting of chips and salsa on the apartment floor.  I remember thinking, "Wow.  This is so fun!!!!  I'm an adult.  I live in the freaking capitol city of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, and I'm having people over to my house even though we have absolutely no furniture, nothing hung on the walls, and there isn't even a candle burning in the living room.  This defies almost everything I know about being a Southern hostess, and I love it!"

cue Pitbull/Ke$ha... "Let's make a night you won't remember. I'll be the one, you won't forget."

Lol... After that, however, I admit I don't remember much more because I had so much to drink that ... how shall I put this?  My memory evades me...  What I do remember -- quite vividly, in fact -- was waking up the next morning feeling as though a whirlpool of death was churning around in my stomach.   This is where it gets good.  So Chelsea and I had arranged to pick up a couch we had found on Craigslist that morning.  Our plan was to metro to the closest Zipcar location, grab our little rental truck, pick up our new (to us) white couch, and begin settling into our new home!  I had imagined that day would be filled with only the sweetest of memories -- new couches, laughter, maybe a little run around the National Mall afterwards.  What I did not quite envision was the unforgettable moment in which I had to ask the Craigslister from whom we purchased our couch if I could use her bathroom to throw up because I was so sick.

I feel like everyone can agree when you pick something up you've purchased on Craigslist, it's a get-in and get-out scenario.  You don't want to stick around, and they don't want you sticking around.  But literally the last thing you want to do is spend more than 10 minutes in the Craiglister's bathroom -- throwing up for what seemed like an eternity.  This is especially the case for germaphobe #1 here, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Such a shining hour in the life of Caitlyn Kutch.  Quite a valiant, respectable, and lovely precedence I set for myself those first few weeks of life in the District...  Heavens!

Though I promised myself I would never do that again, this pattern continued quite regularly throughout the course of the fall.  I can't tell you how many Friday nights I thought, "I just want to have fun!" and how many Saturday mornings I thought, "Was that really that fun?  And was that fun really worth it because now I feel like death.  I will NEVER do that again."  Until next weekend.  It's all for the sake of being fun, right?  Being liked?  Fitting in?  Having fun?  Feeling full of life?  Even though I would have never admitted it, those were undoubtedly the thoughts running through my head.

Yet while I was having "more fun" than I'd ever had, I'd never been more miserable and depressed in my life.  

Have you ever felt that way?  "I'm supposed to be having so much fun.  I'm living the high life.  I have enough money to go out on the weekends and buy what I want, within reason.  I have friends.  I'm living in this glamorous city, doing all of these glamorous things.  I should be so happy, but I'm actually miserable."  The irony...

I remember one Sunday morning in November, feeling horribly sick and sorry for myself (just call me the pity party queen).  I pulled myself out of bed and walked to the Starbucks closest to my house, ordered a cup of coffee, and sat down to spend time with the Lord.  I slowly and quietly approached His throne that morning in a Starbucks on 3rd and Pennsylvania with a blue pen in my hand and my head hung low.  

"Father...  Father, I never thought I would be in this place.  Why?  Why am I seeking after all of these things to satisfy me?  Why do I so desperately want to have fun?  Why do I so desperately want to be fun?  Lord, when I'm really honest, this isn't fun!  Maybe I have fun for an hour or two or maybe four, but it's never enough.  It's as though there is this deep, insatiable hole inside of my heart that I'm trying to fill, and no matter what I do it's never enough.  Whenever I go out, I am consumed with thinking about what others are thinking about me, 'Do they like me?  Am I fun enough?   Am I being weird?  I just want to be known and liked and loved and valued.  I hope they like me.  What can I do to be more likable?  What can I do to be more fun?'  It's horrible, and all I can think about is myself.  

I'm so depressed that I end up throwing myself into these situations that I think are going to change the condition of my heart and fill me with joy, only to find that the next morning, I'm right back where I started -- if not worse.  Father, I have sinned against heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your daughter.  I have looked to my job, this city, friends, beer, wine, boys, what others think of me, my reputation, how 'fun' I am, and more to find the satisfaction I'm so desperately searching for, when deep in my heart of hearts, I know that kind of satisfaction is found in you alone.  What am I doing?  I'm scouring the world, hoping to find fulfillment, freedom, joy, value, significance, and love, when you've already offered it to me freely.  

I'm so broken.  I have been so ungrateful and hard-hearted.  I've known you as my Lord and Savior and closest friend, and it's as though I've abandoned you for all the things of this world.  I've exchanged you -- the one, true, holy, perfect, just, gracious, and loving Lord -- for the broken things of this world.  I've looked to things that are broken to fix my brokenness.  I have refused to receive your joy and your plan and sought to find and create it on my own, only to discover that I can't find true joy apart from you.  I have spoken so many words of complaint.  Oh Jesus, I'm so sorry.  I don't -- "

It was almost as if He stopped me right there.

It was though in an instant everything has been forgiven and cast into the sea of forgetfulness.

"Quick!"  He said with overflowing love and compassion, "Turn on some Christmas carols, and let's deck the halls with boughs of holly because my baby girl is home!  Where's the dazzling radiant silk?  Let's dress her in the finest.  Let me look at you.  Ohhh you're so beautiful.  How I've missed you!  Can I spin you?  I know how you love to spin...!  I love you.  Oh I love you so much, little one."

It gives me chills to this day.  Our Father receives us in our brokenness, in our wickedness, in our callousness, and He doesn't only open the door to let us in His home, He runs to us with open arms and abounding joy.

The Lord ran to me with deep gladness in His heart that morning, as He had done many times in the past, has done many days since, and by His grace, will continue to do so for the rest of my life.  I continually find myself in sin, and somehow in He continually shows me His grace and steadfast love, which will never depart from me.  Thank you, Jesus.  Not only did the Lord receive me with gladness that day, but He was so gracious to teach me what was going in my heart -- something I have been learning and re-learning over the past two years.  

He began to teach me how and why "having fun" and "being fun" had become such an unhealthy idol in my life.  In all honesty, there wasn't particularly anything wrong with the type of fun I was having.  I don't think there is anything inherently evil about alcohol or dancing or staying up late or having a good time.  A good drink, a fun dance, and a sassy dress can be so much fun.  Heck, I'm all about those things!  There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have fun or being a fun person.  I am convinced Jesus is more fun than anyone we know.  Furthermore, I believe He created us to have fun -- to laugh, to play, to sing, to be filled with His joy -- so we could experience and worship Him.  But the problem was that my "fun" was not leading me to praise, thank, and worship God.  What I sought to receive from my "fun" was glory for myself and satisfaction for my soul that only God can provide.  

I wanted to be fun, 

so other people would think I was fun, 

so then I could really have fun,

so my soul would truly feel

satisfied.  

He showed me that "having fun" becomes destructive in my life when I'm using "fun" and the opinions of others as a source to supply me with a greater sense of worth.  While I know that I have the complete approval of the Lord because of what Jesus has done on my behalf, I am quick to say, "That's not enough for me.  Perhaps I have your approval and love, Lord, but what I really want is the love and approval of all of these people.  I want them to think I'm fun and cool, and if they do, if they think highly of me, I will feel more significant, valuable, and worthy of love."

How messed up is that??!!!?!!?!  Not only was I serving this idea of "fun" but I was serving the opinions of others and ultimately myself.  The Holy Spirit helped me to realize that if I left an evening not feeling like I had the complete approval of everyone I was with, I didn't consider it to be a fun evening.  And even if I did go to sleep feeling as though I was liked by everyone I had spent time with that night, I always woke up the next morning fearing, "What if they decide they don't really like me after all?"  I had become a slave to the approval of others and finding fulfillment in my experiences and things apart from the Lord.  

And yet in His perfect wisdom and grace, He reminded me, "Your value isn't found in what you do or in what other people think of you, but in who I say you are and what I think of you."  Your value isn't found in what you do, but in who you are.  Your value -- for the good or the bad -- isn't found in what you do.  Your value -- for the good or the bad -- isn't found in what others think of you.  Your value isn't even found in what you think of yourself -- though your opinion of yourself does tend to have a huge affect on how you live.  Your value is found in who the Lord says you are and what He thinks of you.

When I first heard that, I distinctly remember thinking, "There's no way that's true.  How could someone -- let alone God -- ever just love me because He loves me?  How could His love for me and approval of me not be dependent upon what I'm doing and how I'm performing?  That's literally impossible."

But what do you know, it isn't impossible, and it's completely true.

God doesn't love you because of what you do or what you don't do.  He doesn't love you because you're the good kid or you share the Gospel with hundreds of people or you feed the homeless or you have memorized the whole Bible.  He doesn't love you because you come from a good family or you go to church or you work hard at your job.  As much as sometimes I act as though my value is found my performance, it isn't.  I am no more valuable when I'm work from 6 a.m. to midnight than when I don't work at all.  I'm no more lovable when I wear a size 2 than when I wear a size 8.  My worth does not increase when others think highly of me and tell me I'm worthy of love.  His love for me does not decrease when I fail miserably, when I cry out in anger, when I harbor bitterness in my heart.  Likewise my value and worth do not decrease when I'm spit upon, rejected, and considered ridiculous.  

For those who have placed their faith and trust in Jesus, we have been given the very value and worth of Jesus Himself.  Thus for those who are in Christ, when God looks upon us, He sees the very works of Jesus.

It's what theologians like to call the great exchange.

And it is just that.  It is the greatest exchange.  

God loved us so much that while we were still sinners and wanted nothing to do with Him whatsoever, He sent us Jesus, who came and lived a completely perfect life for us.  The fact that we're sinful means that we've chosen other things over God.  We've gone our own way and done what we thought was best in our own eyes.  We've ignored God, and though He is Lord of all, we've tried to give ourselves that title -- controlling and manipulating countless circumstances to work out the way we see best fit.  

The punishment we deserve for our sin is death, but Jesus took on the punishment that we deserve and died in our place.  Though He never once sinned, though He never so much as even thought an impure thought, He took on our sin on our behalf, so that we could be free.  He knew we would never be able to free ourselves.  We would never be able to fix ourselves.  We would never be able to make ourselves clean or fill ourselves with joy and peace that lasts forever.  But He loved us so much that He came.  Knowing we would reject Him, He came.  Knowing we would spit upon Him, He came.  Knowing He would endure the most brutal suffering of all time, He came.  

Jesus was crucified, and He rose from death.  

In His death, Jesus took on all of our sins, and He gave us His righteousness.  It was the only way we would ever be able to have a perfect relationship with God.  God is so perfect and so holy, that nothing but that which is perfect and holy can be in relationship with Him.  Obviously we are far from perfect and holy in ourselves, and nothing we do can truly change the sinful condition of our hearts.  But Jesus made a way for us to be made right with God and have a relationship with Him forever.  

When you place you faith in Jesus, God forgives and saves you from all of our sins.  You are made new by His power, and every good thing Christ ever did is now attributed to you.  Think about that.  Every good thing Jesus ever did is now yours.  When God looks at you, He sees the very works of Christ.

When we truly receive this identity, we no longer have to be consumed by whether or not others think we're fun or cool or likable or worthy of love.  We have been shown the unconditional love of God through Christ, and our value is now found in Him.  It no longer matters if we're the "fun" friends because we have nothing left to earn or prove.  We have all of the value and significance we could ever hope for.  God loves us, delights in us, and enjoys us.  He fills us with the Holy Spirit and satisfies the deep needs of our hearts.

When we truly believe that, when we look to Jesus to find our value and worth, we can enjoy things and people without crushing them.  We can have fun without serving fun, constantly worrying what we ought to be doing or how we ought to be acting or how we hope others would perceive us.  We can go backpacking through Europe and know that the adventure itself will never satisfy the deep desire for adventure in our hearts, but Jesus can.  We can have a drink with friends, knowing that experience will not satisfy the deep needs of our hearts, but Jesus does.  Furthermore, we can be confident that any good and pure adventure or great drink or fun experience is a reflection of our good, adventurous, and fun Father in heaven.  Thus we are drawn into deeper intimacy with Him and desire to give Him glory and honor for how wonderful He is.

When I think about the most fun moments in my thus far, they've been moments in which I have felt safe, loved, secure, and free to really enjoy the situations around me.  They've been moments in which I've been able to escape the idea that what other people think of me determines my value because my value is secure.  I'm free from fear.  I'm free from worry.  It is in those moments that I am resting in who God has made me to be in Christ.  By God's grace, I wear the robes of righteousness, which I'm pretty sure will sparkle and shine for miles in heaven one day.  He has not only called me His own, He has made me His own.  He continuously fills me with His goodness and His life, and He is enough for me. 

"Jesus said to her, 'Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.  The water I will give him will become in Him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'" -John 4:13-14

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.  So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.  Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.  So I will bless your name as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.  My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.  My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." -Psalm 63:1-8


"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore, I will hope in Him.'  The Lord is good to those who wait for Him." -Lamentations 3:22-25

*

Lord, help us to draw near to you.  Help us to believe that you are enough for us.  Convict our hearts regarding areas of our lives which we are beginning to use for our own glory instead of allowing them to lift our hearts in praise to you.  Thank you that you are so fun!  Thank you that you've made us to be fun.  Thank you that you satisfy our hearts.  Thank you for settings us free from our enslavement to the approval of others.  May we walk intimately with you today and truly receive the identity you've given us through Jesus.  Thank you that you never give up on us, Lord.  Thank you for making me your own.  I love you forever.