Fitness Fetish

This phrase began a long, difficult, but 
redeemed 
journey through my fitness obsession.

If I don't look like this girl, I need to work harder, right?  Well I didn't want to be last so I guess I needed to work as hard I could in order to achieve this "perfect, fit bod".

This belief is where the 

idol of

FITNESS

began to control my thoughts.

Starting my sophomore year of high school, I knew I would be up against hundreds of other, very athletic women to try out for the high school volleyball teams.  I was following behind the legend of my older brother who had not only been crowned 'Homecoming King' and 'Mr. MC' (Midland Christian) but was also the star athlete and quarterback for the football team.   I walked into high school with pressure (I had placed on myself) to be the starting 'Libero' (back row specialist) for the Varsity team and be in the newspaper for any position I could claim for myself…only then, I thought, would I be content and valued.

This goal was exciting and good at first until it became my ultimate purpose.  My exercise addiction started with this goal and I would practice at 2-a-days for hours and come home and run or workout more.   I thought I hadn't done enough unless my body had burned up every ounce of strength and energy I had that day.

With the cycle of eating very healthy and working out anywhere between 1-5 hours each day for 2 years, my body began to eat itself.  Without realizing it, I had gone from

127 lbs. to 103 lbs.

and was on the verge of destroying my body.

I am convinced I had what is called Female Athlete Triad where you can have:

• Irregular or absent menstrual cycles
• Always feeling tired and fatigued
• Problems sleeping
• Stress fractures and frequent or recurrent injuries
• Often restricting food intake
• Constantly striving to be thin
• Eating less than needed in an effort to improve performance or physical appearance
• Cold hands and feet

I figured once I got to college "everything would go back to being balanced and happy again" because the high school pressures wouldn't be upon me anymore.  However, the obsession with working out had become so much a part of my life that I believed "if I miss a day I will be off, depressed or gain weight".  So, the idol of fitness continued into my freshman year and if I ran less than 5 miles a day, I thought I had failed that day.  One of my favorite things to hear was "Lindsay, you look SO GOOD and FIT/SKINNY".  I know most, if not all girls, LOVE this compliment.  The more I heard it, the more I accepted it as my identity.  I was the 
"fit/skinny girl"
...so I had to keep this title or I felt like my identity was being taken from me.

Later in college, however, I had a wake up call.  From beating my body for years with under eating and over working out, my stomach decided it needed to riot and take over.  I was burning so many calories that I started giving into the carbs I had seen as "poison" before.  One handful of cereal...led to another...which led to another.  I wish I was kidding, but I privately or publicly would down an entire cereal box in one sitting almost daily because my body got sick of me not giving it the nutrients it needed.

I now thought I needed to work off MORE than this extra amount I was consuming.  In God's goodness and grace, He sent a trial to help me realize

I was slowly killing myself with my addiction to fitness.

I needed to stop and slow down before it was too late.

I was in a 5K race for my sorority in college and decided I wanted to get the fastest time I possibly could. (If you haven't noticed, I am a 
struggling perfectionist, and God is working on me daily:) )

I got close to the finish line and...."RIP"...I felt it send a tingle down my knee.  I tore cartilage in my knee and soon found out I wouldn't be able to RUN, for months!

My identity in being the:

"fit/skinny girl" 

who ran a lot was no longer.
 I gained a some weight and in my skewed self-image, I saw myself as a failure.  My emotions were everywhere...UP one day, DOWN the next.  I hated what I looked like and hated that I was so controlled by my fitness plan, that now, when I could barely walk without pain, my life seemed to lack purpose.

Where did I go wrong?
 This is where I went wrong:

I lived for a created thing 

(fit body, awards, achieved goals, positions, etc.) 

instead of our Creator.

I moved from standing on a Firm Foundation (God),

 to rocky soil (relying on working out for comfort).

-Matthew 7:24-27

Cheesy but true:
 "with every TEST there is a TESTIMONY, 

and with every MESS there is a MESSAGE."

My mess and trial of tearing cartilage in my knee ended up drawing me
CLOSER TO THE HEART OF GOD.
  I experienced more internal joy and satisfaction once I learned to turn to God and not to fitness for my ultimate SOURCE and COMFORT.

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. (John 15:1-8 NIV)

God soon taught me more about what it looks like to seek balance in my life.  He gave me this picture of running a race to help me understand what it looks like to have idols in my life versus running toward Him in this life:

What this looks like:

-over-doing -

 (Getting "off track")

 I run too far to the track by doing something too much and becoming obsessed with it.  The idol becomes something I must do daily, or I feel like a failure.  It becomes one of the first things I think about when I wake up and I would chose it over spending time with God or others.

-under-doing- 

(Getting "off track")

 After I wear myself so thin (physically and emotionally) from over-doing for too long,  I end up hating whatever it was I was seeking to satisfy me.  So, I become apathetic, lose motivation and give up.  Running in this direction, I start to struggle more with depression because whatever I thought would bring me joy (apart from Christ), sadly failed to satisfy me.

-middle/balanced- 

(Staying "on the track")

 This is where God wants us, because this leads to life and peace!  You aren't running off to the right/over-doing things or to the left/under-doing things but are fixing your eyes toward the end of the race.  This is when we are fixing our eyes on Jesus and God's Truth and not toward the crowd who yell at us to "do more!" or "do nothing!".

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us
run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 
fixing our eyes on Jesus, 
the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 
(Hebrews 12:1, 2 NIV)

God took my MESS and made it a MESSAGE. He redeemed fitness from being an idol in my life to becoming an avenue for me to worship Him and know Him deeper.  I felt led to use my testimony to help other women who also struggling with finding balance in this area of fitness.  So, I recently finished my Personal Trainer Certification and am looking to use it to help women understand how they can also link their spiritual life to physical exercise.  Below are a few practical ideas of what this looks like for me.

WAYS I LINK MY SPIRITUAL LIFE TO PHYSICAL EXERCISE to PROTECT MYSELF FROM THE ADDICTION OF FITNESS:

1. Remind myself WHY I workout-

  -remember my "body is a temple"

  -it boosts my energy to serve God and others

  -it helps me sleep better

  -it can be super fun

  -it builds my realtionship with God and others

  -I grow stronger so I can serve and play with my husband & friends (and kids   
    someday)

2. While I workout out, I read/listen to something that BUILDS my relationship with God-

-Listen to a sermon podcast (Mars Hills Church, Village Church, etc.)

-Listen to an audiobook about growing in your relationship with God

-Listen to music without cussing/sexual impurity (aka I stopped listening to secular rap while I exercised and 'Lecrae' Pandora became my jam)

          

3. Memorize scripture-

        -I write mine on index cards and put them on a ring to flip through them as I     

        workout

    "​​The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace." (Romans 8:6 NIV)

4. Set a limit on how much/often I would workout- 

-I committed to not working out more than 5 times a week

- ​​​A healthy range is to at least workout about 30-45 minutes for 5 days or average about 150 minutes/week.

  “Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work. (Exodus 20:8-10 NIV)

5. PRAY-

-Use this time to pray for the world, friends, family, others and yourself.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is ​​​God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV)

6. Build relationships with people -

-Use this time to meet for accountability with a trusted friend

-Train for a race with others in order to grow a friendship with them

​​As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17 NIV)

7. Know your BMI and stay in the HEALTHY range-

I've tried many paths (with over-doing or under-doing fitness), 

and they did bring  happiness 

for a short season.  

But, the "race" in any area of life (food, friendships, family, fitness, future plans, finances and having fun) is only satisfying if you are

running toward Christ.

 

Be like Paul:

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 

-2 Timothy 4:7

Struggling with Food

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." -Liars

False. I've tried it, millions of women have,
 and nothing taste worse than striving for a body type that isn't natural.

Truth.

Did you know that 80% more women began having disordered eating or an eating disorder after media was introduced into their culture.  I confess that I was in this percentage.  My struggle with food has been a long, tiring, frustrating, defeating road that I have traveled since I was a Junior in high school.  I am now almost 25 years old and look back at how this struggle has scarred me and how oblivious I was to the scary reality that 
 food controlled my life.  

It all started with the influence of media in my life.  Before reading "Shape" (or other popular health magazines) and becoming plugged into social media (tv, Facebook, movies, etc.) I had no idea my body wasn't what my culture decided was "the standard of beauty".  This standard demanded that I should look like the models on the cover of these magazines, be as skinny as possible, eat less than I burned that day and eat nothing with fat or carbs in it…Really?  All this led to depression, loneliness, fear of being fat, losing hair, looking malnourished, losing friendships and spiritual bondage. 

I struggled with this for years, food was a means to control painful feelings, my body, and unhealthy relationships with guys.  

I needed control and desired perfection in my life, I used food to attempt to get there.

I was scared of eating too much because I feared feeling out of control or fat.
I feared not eating enough because I couldn't stay awake.
I feared eating enough because I wanted to be "better & more than average".

" You worship whatever you worry about…"

Do you find yourself worshiping food and/or body image?

My struggle was eating too little in the beginning; however, there is another side of this coin where food (rather than God) became a source of comfort and contentment for me.  Both overeating and under-eating can become an idol and neither will ever satisfy you.

Girls think guys want them to be skinny, but after discussing this topic with my husband, he assures me that quality "men want to see women at a healthy weight". Super skinny, taken too far, is not attractive. In their minds, healthy weight and eating habits often represent confidence and discipline, two very attractive qualities to men. If you find yourself wanting to change your body so that men will notice you, you may want to rethink your motives.  

I don't have many pictures documented in the brink of my struggle or I would show them; however, here this is the reality I was living for too many years:

"Look happy, confident &  popular on the OUTSIDE….hide the depression, anxiety, control addiction on the INSIDE." 
-Self

I had no idea I had manipulated my body with food to look as if I had 0% fat on my bones.  That's what media told me was "beautiful"…media's definition of "beauty" was killing me slowly.

If you Google “skinny definition” on Webster's what will pop up is the following:

Adjective: (of a person or part of their body) Unattractively thin.

1. resembling skin: membranous
2a. lacking sufficient flesh: very thin: emaciated
2b. lacking usual or desirable bulk, quantity, qualities or significance.

So how did our culture take this word and use it to represent a goal, or rather set “skinny” as a bar to be attained? Or more simply stated, why do millions of women and men want to be associated with the word “skinny”?

normal eating vs. disordered eating

normal- eat because you're hungry, accept body shape/size, eat in response to hunger/satiety

dieting- count calories, skip meals or types of foods (good and bad foods), follow diet plan.  Dieting is a gateway for eating disorder and is the most common behavior that will lead to an eating disorder.

subclinical eating disorder- occasionally taking diet pills, preoccupied with food/body, some loss of control around food (compulsive behavior) count calories strictly.

clinical eating disorder- anorexia nervosa, binge eating

*

One of the most liberating things I realized in the midst of my eating disorder was that I was not alone in this struggle with food.  I later found out that 90% of females battle with disordered eating and 60-70% of people with eating disorders have anxiety disorders. 

Experience freedom!

God doesn't leave us stranded in figuring out how to find freedom in the battles we face.  He clearly states in His Word  to take up the 
shield of FAITH 
and the 
sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  

With these two pieces of armor, we are ready for the daily battle against disordered eating and unhealthy body image.

the armor of God:
 10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.    

 (Ephesians 6:10-17)

*

Applying this Truth means that you apply the "R.E.E.D" acronym that I had talked about in the previous blog titled, "Desiring Worldly Fun".

Apply this simple acronym to your everyday life, and watch yourself find freedom in Christ through His powerful Word.  

R.E.E.D.

R-ecognize

-Your Emotions!  Ask God to show you what emotions you are feeling and why.

E-xpress

Your Emotions to God!  He already knows them.

Example- "I am tired of drinking and messing up with my boyfriend.  I feel so defeated by this, but Lord, I want to follow You and not my sin."

E-valuate

Your emotions in Light of God's Word!

"Are my emotions in charge?  What do they reflect about my beliefs about God?"

D-ecide

To replace your thinking and behavior with God's Truth.

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit 

of the Lord is, there is freedom."-2 Corinthians 3:17 

BEAUTY

Lie:
"We have to look a certain way to be beautiful and if we don’t look that way we won't be as valuable to others.  We constantly need to worry about our appearance because that is what really matters.  If I don't have a certain body type, I will be unattractive and undesirable."

Truth:
Psalm 139:14 says we are fearfully and wonderfully made.  We are God’s masterpieces.  We were fashioned by him and absolutely beautiful because our Creator can NOT make mistakes.

According to 1 Samuel 16:7 God does not care much about our outward appearance, He is concerned with our heart.

You are all together BEAUTIFUL, my darling; there is no flaw in you. Song of Solomon 4:7 

*

Below is a video a few friends and I did for "Project Illuminate"  to encourage women that they are not alone in their battle with unhealthy body image and insecurities.  "Project Illuminate" is a call to value, worth and freedom. Women today live in a battle of insecurity from body image, but you're not alone and the battle is already won - walk in the Light.

If you are looking for a tool to help you assess where you are on the spectrum with healthy vs. disordered eating, this website will help!:

http://www.eat-26.com 

(The Eating Attitudes Test (EAT-26) is probably the most widely used standardized 

self-report measure of symptoms and concerns characteristic of eating disorders.)

Future Desires/Decisions

I have found myself climbing an invisible ladder toward what I thought would lead me to success.  We feel this sense that "as long as I make it to the ‘top’ I will be happy, successful and satisfied…finally! But goodness, I have realized over and over, mainly when I fall off of this ‘invisible ladder of success’,  that the top has NOTHING worth working towards.  

I struggle, strive, strain to do better, be better, live better and be the best at whatever I am doing. Why Lord, do I struggle toward perfection? 

I have finally realized how vain my work is apart from doing it to connect with God and His people.  Every time it's about me and my personal success I feel depressed, anxious, lonely, fearful and like God is a million miles away. He never is but when I am living for ME I see how JOYLESS life becomes. 

JOY defined

1. Jesus - first

2. Others -second

3. You - last

I so often twist and turn it into:

a self-centered life

Y.O.J. (you, others, Jesus),

a people pleasing life

O.Y.J. (others, you, Jesus),
or

a life focused on impressions and wanting to look good in front of others

O.J.Y. (others, Jesus, you).

Real JOY is always found in putting Jesus on the throne of our lives.  When He is first, everything else comes into it's place and we don’t feel like we have to perfect or control and manipulate situations in order for them to work out for our favor.  

This Truth below has brought so much freedom in both Caitlyn’s and my life over the past few years.  I praise God for practical tools to come back to Truth and this is something I have to come back to each month to remind myself of the Truth that He wants me to be an abiding woman…not a super woman. 

WE NO LONGER HAVE TO BE PERFECT WHEN WE ARE PARTNERED WITH PERFECTION, AND PERFECTLY LOVED BY OUR CREATOR.

So, we encourage you who are reading this…

Stop climbing the ladder!
Rest, relax, go on a walk.
Enjoy the Lord!
Don't fear missing out.
Don't seek success.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.(1 Corinthians 15:58)

In CHRIST You Are...

I am faithful (Ephesians 1:1)

I am God’s child (John 1:12)

I have been justified (Romans 5:1)

I am Christ’s friend (John 15:15)

I belong to God (1 Corinthians 6:20)

I am a member of Christ’s Body (1 Corinthians 12:27)

I am assured all things work together for good (Romans 8:28)

I have been established, anointed and sealed by God (2 Corinthians 1:21-22)

I am confident that God will perfect the work He has begun in me (Philippians 1:6)

I am a citizen of heaven (Philippians 3:20)

I am hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3)

I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7)

I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me (1 John 5:18)

I am blessed in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing (Ephesians 1:3)

I am chosen before the creation of the world (Ephesians 1:4, 11)

I am holy and blameless (Ephesians 1:4)

I am adopted as his child (Ephesians 1:5)

I am given God’s glorious grace lavishly and without restriction (Ephesians 1:5,8)

I am in Him (Ephesians 1:7; 1 Corinthians 1:30)

I have redemption (Ephesians 1:8)

I am forgiven (Ephesians 1:8; Colossians 1:14)

I have purpose (Ephesians 1:9 & 3:11)

I have hope (Ephesians 1:12)

I am included (Ephesians 1:13)

I am sealed with the promised Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:13)

I am a saint (Ephesians 1:18)

I am salt and light of the earth (Matthew 5:13-14)

I have been chosen and God desires me to bear fruit (John 15:1,5)

I am a personal witness of Jesus Christ (Acts 1:8)

I am God’s coworker (2 Corinthians 6:1)

I am a minister of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:17-20)

I am alive with Christ (Ephesians 2:5)

I am raised up with Christ (Ephesians 2:6; Colossians 2:12)

I am seated with Christ in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 2:6)

I have been shown the incomparable riches of God’s grace (Ephesians 2:7)

God has expressed His kindness to me (Ephesians 2:7)

I am God’s workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)

I have been brought near to God through Christ’s blood (Ephesians 2:13)

I have peace (Ephesians 2:14)

I have access to the Father (Ephesians 2:18)

I am a member of God’s household (Ephesians 2:19)

I am secure (Ephesians 2:20)

I am a holy temple (Ephesians 2:21; 1 Corinthians 6:19)

I am a dwelling for the Holy Spirit (Ephesians 2:22)

I share in the promise of Christ Jesus (Ephesians 3:6)

God’s power works through me (Ephesians 3:7)

I can approach God with freedom and confidence (Ephesians 3:12)

I know there is a purpose for my sufferings (Ephesians 3:13)

I can grasp how wide, long, high and deep Christ’s love is (Ephesians 3:18)

I am completed by God (Ephesians 3:19)

I can bring glory to God (Ephesians 3:21)

I have been called (Ephesians 4:1; 2 Timothy 1:9)

I can be humble, gentle, patient and lovingly tolerant of others (Ephesians 4:2)

I can mature spiritually (Ephesians 4:15)

I can be certain of God’s truths and the lifestyle which He has called me to (Ephesians 4:17)

I can have a new attitude and a new lifestyle (Ephesians 4:21-32)

I can be kind and compassionate to others (Ephesians 4:32)

I can forgive others (Ephesians 4:32)

I am a light to others, and can exhibit goodness, righteousness and truth (Ephesians 5:8-9)

I can understand what God’s will is (Ephesians 5:17)

I can give thanks for everything (Ephesians 5:20)

I don’t have to always have my own agenda (Ephesians 5:21)

I can honor God through marriage (Ephesians 5:22-33)

I can parent my children with composure (Ephesians 6:4)

I can be strong (Ephesians 6:10)

I have God’s power (Ephesians 6:10)

I can stand firm in the day of evil (Ephesians 6:13)

I am dead to sin (Romans 1:12)

I am not alone (Hebrews 13:5)

I am growing (Colossians 2:7)

I am His disciple (John 13:15)

I am prayed for by Jesus Christ (John 17:20-23)

I am united with other believers (John 17:20-23)

I am not in want (Philippians 4:19)

I possess the mind of Christ (I Corinthians 2:16)

I am promised eternal life (John 6:47)

I am promised a full life (John 10:10)

I am victorious (I John 5:4)

My heart and mind is protected with God’s peace (Philippians 4:7)

I am chosen and dearly loved (Colossians 3:12)

I am blameless (I Corinthians 1:8)

I am set free (Romans 8:2; John 8:32)

I am crucified with Christ (Galatians 2:20)

I am a light in the world (Matthew 5:14)

I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37)

I am the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:21)

I am safe (I John 5:18)

I am part of God’s kingdom (Revelation 1:6)

I am healed from sin (I Peter 2:24)

I am no longer condemned (Romans 8:1, 2)

I am not helpless (Philippians 4:13)

I am overcoming (I John 4:4)

I am persevering (Philippians 3:14)

I am protected (John 10:28)

I am born again (I Peter 1:23)

I am a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)

I am delivered (Colossians 1:13)

I am redeemed from the curse of the Law (Galatians 3:13)

I am qualified to share in His inheritance (Colossians 1:12)

I am victorious (1 Corinthians 15:57)