Because Every Girl Has a Foodie in Her...

Lord Jesus, you are good.  You redeem even the darkest, dirtiest parts of our hearts.  You are victorious, and you have proven your power over sin by defeating death.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, that you care about us, Lord.  Thank you that nothing is too small for you and nothing is too big.  Thank you for the victory you've shown me in this area of my life.  I confess that I am quick to think I've done everything on my own, but that could not be further from the truth.  Victory comes from you alone.  All glory be to you, Jesus.  I admit that it is so difficult for me to talk about food and how I've both made it an idol and a demon in my life, when the truth that it is a good gift from you.  You know that though you've provided for me and delivered me in countless ways in this area of my life, it continues to be something I must surrender to you regularly -- sometimes even numerous times throughout the day.  Lord, I come before you humbly and ask that you would speak.  There is no wisdom in me apart from you.  I ask that you would make your truth plain to us about your good gifts and how we can enjoy them as a reflection of your goodness and who you are.  I believe that you are the Maker of all things.  I trust you, Lord, and ask that the Holy Spirit would fill me and write through me in this time.  Amen.

*

Wellp ya'll where to begin?  As women, it's hard enough for us to talk about the things we're struggling with such as loneliness and depression or perfectionism and performance, but rarely do any of us ever even want to admit to ourselves that we're struggling with body image issues and food.  Particularly growing up in church, I remember thinking, "I always hear that we're fearfully and wonderfully made, so I guess girls who really love Jesus don't care at all about what they look like.  I guess they just love the way the Lord made them and never feel insecure.  So even though I feel insecure about my body all the time, I'm just never going to talk about it.  No one can know.  No one can know I am scared of food because of what it might do to my body.  No one can know I look to food for comfort and security.  That is repulsive.  How could anyone ever love me in spite of those things?"

Wowza lemme tell ya, that is the ickiest thought process in the world because it is pushing darkness even deeper into the depths of the pit, but so often that is how we want to live.  We are afraid to confess what we're struggling with because we think if other people find out, we will no longer be lovable or we'll lose all credibility with them.  It is a horrible, awful lie from the pit of hell, but I will be the first one to admit, that is usually my first reaction when I'm struggling with something.  I want to hide.  I'm afraid.  I want to pretend it isn't real.  So I shut my mouth, put a smile on my face, and go about my days like everything is fine, when on the inside, my heart and mind feel as though they're slowly being destroyed.  Maybe that's dramatic -- or maybe it's not.

I want ya'll to take a second and think about a few questions...  Maybe spend time with the Lord processing through these things in prayer.

When was the first time you remember feeling

insecure about your body?

What were your exact thoughts?

Why do you think these things started filling your mind?

What did you do about it?

Have your insecurities ever really gone away?

How have you coped with your insecurities in the past?

How has your view of your body affected 

your relationship with food?

Have you ever felt enslaved to food?  
If so, what did/does that look like for you?
What do you think Jesus would say to you 
about these things?
How might He want to meet you in this place?

To spark your memories, venture with me back in time to first grade -- yep, first grade.  I have this vivid memory of crying myself to sleep one night, which wasn't particularly a rarity, as I was always afraid to fall asleep back in the day (and even now sometimes too, admittedly).  But this particular evening, it had nothing to do with my fears of dragons, small pox, malaria, death, fires, or bad guys.  This particular evening, my heart was broken about my body -- particularly my calves, in fact.

My sweet momma came to check on me, and I distinctly remember asking her, "Do you think we could just cut off part of my calves?"  I remember her shaking her head in shock, "Cait, what?!  Why would you ever want to cut off part of your calves???"

"Well, Courtney and Jill's calves are so much smaller than mine...  Theirs must be prettier than mine... But Mom, just think, it makes perfect sense...  When you want something to be smaller, you just cut it, right?"  Ahhh the simple minds of children...!  "No, no, no, no, Cait!!!!  That is not how it works!!!  And your calves are beautiful!!!"  I'm sure the conversation continued, but that is pretty much all that I remember.  Looking back, I'm torn between loling and being filled with horror.  At six years of age, my heart and mind were caught up in the comparison game.

It's funny actually because at that age usually bigger is better -- sack lunches, Barbie collections, backyards, playgrounds, etc.  Why didn't that same view carry over to our bodies?!  But my mind was sinful from the beginning, so I suppose it only makes sense that I had a distorted view of beauty.  All that being said, I've struggled with insecurities about my body and difficulty with food off and on for just about as long as I can remember.  I've found myself at every point on the spectrum from demonizing food and resenting and fearing its affects on my body to worshipping it and looking to food for comfort, refuge, and security.  I've used food as a means to manipulate what my body looks like and also attempted to find fulfillment in sweet treats to satisfy the emotional emptiness that ultimately only God can provide.

Though I can even now be shocked at how deeply I can find myself feeling enslaved to food and body image, it shouldn't come as a surprise to us that as women we struggle with all things related to food.  Throwback to the garden...

"Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made.  He said to the woman, 'Did God actually say, 'You shall not eat of any tree in the garden?'  And the woman said to the serpent, 'We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden, but God said, 'You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.'  But the serpent said to the woman, 'You will not surely die.  For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.'  So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food and desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.  Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked.  And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths."

-Genesis 3:1-7

This passage always amazes me because it reveals the fall of man and our struggle with sin so clearly.  The serpent approached Eve and made her doubt the authority of both God's Word and His character.  He lied to her, caused her to question the Lord, and deceived her into believing she knows what is best.  "Does God really love me?  Is He trying to withhold good from me?  He doesn't want me to be wise.  I can know what is best.  If that is what I want, it must be best.  I can be like God.  Heck, I could probably do a better job than Him.  I've lived for quite some time now.  I'm basically all-knowing..."From beginning to end, the Bible nails the human condition over and over and over again.  

We question the Lord, fall captive to lies, and choose to put our trust in created things rather than the good, perfect, holy, loving Creator himself.  We choose the serpent over the Sovereign Lord.  How?  How do we fall captive death?  What is the method of his madness?  Satan uses many things to cause us to fall into sin.  But at the beginning, he used doubt, pride, and food.  He used food, ya'll, which is an incredible, blessed, glorious gift to man from God.  But the serpent used it to cause Eve to reject God and assert herself as the authority over her life.  Thus we should not be surprised that he likes to use it even now as a way to distract us and draw us away from our perfect Father in heaven.  

How often do we see this in our own life?  I know for myself, countless times I have chosen what is delightful to the eyes -- food, fame, the approval of others, skinny arms, money, dresses, alcohol, success -- over the Lord.  We think, "I know that technically the Lord is supposed to satisfy me, but even if the He really can satisfy the deep needs of my heart, this _____ will be immediate.  It's right before my very eyes.  I can be satisfied instantly."

But the reality is that we're never fully satisfied.  We're always left wanting more.  Think about it.  Have you ever had just one, really great cookie and said to yourself, "Wow.  That was so satisfying.  I never need another cookie as long as I live."  Heck no!!!!!  I know for me personally, I can't ever have one cookie without wanting another.  I'm never satisfied.  The truth is there is absolutely nothing wrong with cookies!  I love cookies.  Actually, I'm more of an ice cream girl, myself.  But I have found in my own heart that often times I am looking for something more in food than it can actually give me.  I'm looking for my emotional emptiness to be filled.  Lindsay once told me that when we look to food to fill our hearts with comfort, we're looking to something that is broken to fix something that is broken.  That statement is filled with so much truth and carries over to just about every area of our lives.  Similarly when we refuse to eat certain things, so our bodies will look a certain way in order to fill our need for approval (from ourselves or others), we're looking to something that is broken to fix something that is broken.

Tim Chester, a writer and church-planter in the UK, has written some incredible articles on this topic, which the Lord has used to change my way of thinking about food and body image.  Below is a little snippet from his book A Meal with Jesus: Discovering Grace, Community, and Mission around the Table.

"Before the fall, food was the way we expressed our obedience and trust in God. We obeyed God by eating from any tree except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  At the fall, food was the way we expressed our disobedience and mistrust of God. It was an attempt to live life without God (expressed through taking forbidden food). We are embodied persons, and so sin affects our bodies. No sooner did Adam and Eve rebel against God than they felt ashamed of their bodies. Sin distorts all of our relationships, including our relationships with food. Here are four ways:

1. We use food for control instead of looking to God's greatness.

My Mexican friend Alejandro is horrified at the way Americans eat food on the move. We’re so busy trying to be in control that many of us treat food as fuel. As a result we strip food of its identity as a gift, its “gift-ness.” It becomes mere utility. We disregard its rich variety and amazing tastes. Denying that food is a gift allows us commune, and express gratitude is written out of our schedules so we can get on with achieving our own goals. We’re too busy proving ourselves or managing our lives without God to stop and express our dependence.

Food is meant to express our dependence on God, but we use food to express our independence from God. For my anorexic friend, food became a way of exercising control. In a scary world full of many things she couldn’t control, she could at least control what went in her mouth. But, as she herself put it, this practice quickly escalated and became out of control. Anorexia is for some a way to exercise self-sovereignty instead of trusting the sovereignty of God.

2. We use food for image instead of looking to God's glory.

Food became a means of salvation and deification now, just as it was in the garden of Eden. Satan tells Eve that she and Adam will become like God if they eat the forbidden fruit. Our concern for self-image is an attempt to be godlike. We want to be worshiped. We are concerned with our glory instead of living for God’s glory. We are controlled by the opinion of others instead of recognizing God as the glorious one whose opinion is the one that truly matters.

Today we still take the fruit—or deny ourselves the cake—to become godlike, people with bodies others will worship and serve. The tragic irony is that Adam and Eve were already like God, having been made in his image. But we attempt to remake ourselves through food into a form that others will worship.

3. We use food for identity instead of looking to God's grace.

For some food is aspirational. We use it to express the image or lifestyle to which we aspire. Organic and whole-food produce—these are the things that prove you’re enlightened and politically aware. Or maybe it’s steaks and burgers—they make you feel like a true man. Or maybe it’s pot roasts and home-baked apple pie like your grandmother made—they make you a traditional, all-American mom. Or maybe it’s cordon bleu and haute cuisine—they make you an urban and urbane sophisticate. Others manipulate food to prove themselves through their looks by obsessing about their calorie intake. We use or misuse food to form our identity instead of finding our identity in Christ. We use food to achieve identity instead of receiving it by grace.

The first thing that happens when Adam and Eve eat the fruit is that they feel shame (Genesis 3:7). Still today our attempts at self-salvation through food lead to shame. They generate body-image problems. Slimming programs can offer a kind of points-based religion. Salvation comes through being accepted by others, and a beautiful body is the means by which we save ourselves. Food is rated, so your progress toward salvation can be scored. Your life is assessed when you stand on the scales. Weight loss equals righteousness; weight gain equals condemnation.

4. We use food for refuge instead of looking to God's goodness.

We often use food as an escape instead of finding refuge in God. We self-medicate with food. We become priests bringing offerings of chocolate to ourselves. We find comfort in sugar, salt, and fat instead of the living God. The result is ill-health and weight gain. Some people then try to manage this through dieting, bulimia, or anorexia.

Life without God is an empty life, and we cannot fill that emptiness with food. We miss the opportunity to turn to God. We want to live by bread alone. We find true refuge in the comfort of God and true satisfaction in the goodness of God. Neither eating to live (food as fuel) nor living to eat (food as salvation) is right. We’re to eat to the glory of God and live to the glory of God. We're to gratefully receive food in all its wonderful variety as a gift from God as eating continues to express our dependence on him and our submission to his good reign."

Wow.  That is so convicting to me every time I read it -- every single category.  I have used controlling what I eat or don't eat to exercise sovereignty and control over my life, instead of trusting in God's goodness.  I have sought glory for myself in what I look like and used food -- or lack thereof -- to manipulate my body into looking a certain way.  I have used food for an escape instead of finding refuge in the Lord.  What is the hope in all of this?

Our hope is always found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, that God did not leave us alone to save ourselves nor sanctify ourselves.  

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ -- by grace you have been saved -- and raised us up with Him and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages He might show the immeasurable riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.  For it is by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.  For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." -Ephesians 2:4-10

God, in His rich mercy, love, and grace made a way for us to be forgiven of all of our sins and free from sin's power over our lives forever.  Our Father made a way for us to be made right with Him again through Jesus.  He sent His one and only son to live a perfect life on earth.  Jesus never sinned, always trusted God, always glorified God.  He never looked to the things of this world to satisfy Himself.  He didn't need the things of this world because He was perfectly united with the Father, who filled Him with everything He needed for life.  He lived the perfect life we never could and took on the punishment for our sins.  He took on the punishment I deserve for my idolatry.  He took upon Himself all of my pain, all of my guilt, all of my shame.  He took on every morning I've stood on the scale and sought my value in the number -- not in the Lord.  He took on every night I've attempted to numb my feelings of depression in a plate of cookies and a tub of ice cream.  He took on my fears and my anxiety, my anger and my bitterness.  He took them all upon Himself because He knew we would never be able to bear the weight of it all.  He loves us that much.  He died in our place, and three days afterward, He rose from death.  He endured the cross, disregarding its shame, shamed death and even the enemy himself.  For nothing can withstand the power of God.  Jesus made a way for us to have a perfect relationship with God.  He made a way for us to experience life in the way that God intended.  

When by His grace, we place our faith in Jesus, He forgives us of all of our sins -- past, present, and future.  He clothes us in His very righteousness.  He adopts us into His family and commits to us forever and ever.  He makes us His own.  He gives us life and life abundantly.  He gives us victory over sin.  He gives us the Holy Spirit who comes to live inside our hearts and fill us with His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  He imparts to us His power and life.  He keeps us.  He sanctifies us, and He will be with us forever.  Thus whatever we're facing, there is power in the name of Jesus.  He hears.  He sees.  He cares.  He is not disgusted with us.  He love us.  He enjoys us.  He is so good that He delights in us.  He does not only want to forgive us of our sins, but He wants to set us free from any and all sin in our lives.  He wants to make us like Christ.  

We can be completely honest before the Lord about where we are at and with what precisely we are struggling.  He already knows, and His grace abounds to us in all trials.  The most intimate moments in my relationship with God are always when I am completely honest with Him about what is going in my heart.  He always receives us with love.  He is so true to His character.  

"We know that our old self was crucified with Him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin.  For one who has died has been set free from sin.  Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we also will live with Him.  We know that death no longer has dominion over Him.  For the death He died He died to sin, once for all, but the life He lives He lives to God.  So you must also consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." -Romans 6:6-11

Whether you're struggling with finding your value in what you look like or feeling like a slave to what you eat or don't eat, I want to encourage you to ask the Lord why it is you're finding yourself in that spot and how Christ can meet you there.  For me, I know that when I'm seeking my value and worth in my appearance, I'm not believing that the Lord is a good maker.  I'm not believing that God loves me so much that He would not only send His one and only Son for me, but He will also be with me and provide for me.  By His grace, His standards are not my standards.  Thank you, Jesus.  He has made me lovable despite what the number on the scale says.  He would love me whether I weighed 120 pounds or 200.  He loves me whether or not I only eat salads or BigMacs and french fries.  But likewise, He knows my heart.  He knows my motives.  Am I eating a certain way to add glory to myself?  Or am I eating in a healthy manner to honor the Lord with the body He's given me?  Am I delighting in food as the satisfaction of my soul?  Or am I enjoying a good gift God has given me and is it causing me to worship the Giver?

The truth over our lives, by the grace of God is this, God has given us power over our choices.  We have been blessed with both bodies and food.  They are good gifts, but they are not meant to consume us.  We were made for more than defeat.  We were made to be united with the Lord and experience perfect unity and satisfaction in Him.  We eat at least three times a day, am I right?  Thus if the Lord has graciously allowed food and body image to be a part of our sanctification, at least three times throughout the day, God has set aside time for us to surrender ourselves wholly to Him, to ask the Holy Spirit to empower us to believe His truth over our feelings, to rely on Him for victory in our lives, and to trust Him to be our source of comfort and security.

*

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God?  You are not your own, for you were bought with a price.  So glorify God with in your body." -1 Corinthians 6:19-20

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  -2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"If you love me, you will keep my commandments.  And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him.  You know Him, for He dwells with you and will be in you.  I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." -John 14:15-18

Struggling with Food

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." -Liars

False. I've tried it, millions of women have,
 and nothing taste worse than striving for a body type that isn't natural.

Truth.

Did you know that 80% more women began having disordered eating or an eating disorder after media was introduced into their culture.  I confess that I was in this percentage.  My struggle with food has been a long, tiring, frustrating, defeating road that I have traveled since I was a Junior in high school.  I am now almost 25 years old and look back at how this struggle has scarred me and how oblivious I was to the scary reality that 
 food controlled my life.  

It all started with the influence of media in my life.  Before reading "Shape" (or other popular health magazines) and becoming plugged into social media (tv, Facebook, movies, etc.) I had no idea my body wasn't what my culture decided was "the standard of beauty".  This standard demanded that I should look like the models on the cover of these magazines, be as skinny as possible, eat less than I burned that day and eat nothing with fat or carbs in it…Really?  All this led to depression, loneliness, fear of being fat, losing hair, looking malnourished, losing friendships and spiritual bondage. 

I struggled with this for years, food was a means to control painful feelings, my body, and unhealthy relationships with guys.  

I needed control and desired perfection in my life, I used food to attempt to get there.

I was scared of eating too much because I feared feeling out of control or fat.
I feared not eating enough because I couldn't stay awake.
I feared eating enough because I wanted to be "better & more than average".

" You worship whatever you worry about…"

Do you find yourself worshiping food and/or body image?

My struggle was eating too little in the beginning; however, there is another side of this coin where food (rather than God) became a source of comfort and contentment for me.  Both overeating and under-eating can become an idol and neither will ever satisfy you.

Girls think guys want them to be skinny, but after discussing this topic with my husband, he assures me that quality "men want to see women at a healthy weight". Super skinny, taken too far, is not attractive. In their minds, healthy weight and eating habits often represent confidence and discipline, two very attractive qualities to men. If you find yourself wanting to change your body so that men will notice you, you may want to rethink your motives.  

I don't have many pictures documented in the brink of my struggle or I would show them; however, here this is the reality I was living for too many years:

"Look happy, confident &  popular on the OUTSIDE….hide the depression, anxiety, control addiction on the INSIDE." 
-Self

I had no idea I had manipulated my body with food to look as if I had 0% fat on my bones.  That's what media told me was "beautiful"…media's definition of "beauty" was killing me slowly.

If you Google “skinny definition” on Webster's what will pop up is the following:

Adjective: (of a person or part of their body) Unattractively thin.

1. resembling skin: membranous
2a. lacking sufficient flesh: very thin: emaciated
2b. lacking usual or desirable bulk, quantity, qualities or significance.

So how did our culture take this word and use it to represent a goal, or rather set “skinny” as a bar to be attained? Or more simply stated, why do millions of women and men want to be associated with the word “skinny”?

normal eating vs. disordered eating

normal- eat because you're hungry, accept body shape/size, eat in response to hunger/satiety

dieting- count calories, skip meals or types of foods (good and bad foods), follow diet plan.  Dieting is a gateway for eating disorder and is the most common behavior that will lead to an eating disorder.

subclinical eating disorder- occasionally taking diet pills, preoccupied with food/body, some loss of control around food (compulsive behavior) count calories strictly.

clinical eating disorder- anorexia nervosa, binge eating

*

One of the most liberating things I realized in the midst of my eating disorder was that I was not alone in this struggle with food.  I later found out that 90% of females battle with disordered eating and 60-70% of people with eating disorders have anxiety disorders. 

Experience freedom!

God doesn't leave us stranded in figuring out how to find freedom in the battles we face.  He clearly states in His Word  to take up the 
shield of FAITH 
and the 
sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  

With these two pieces of armor, we are ready for the daily battle against disordered eating and unhealthy body image.

the armor of God:
 10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.    

 (Ephesians 6:10-17)

*

Applying this Truth means that you apply the "R.E.E.D" acronym that I had talked about in the previous blog titled, "Desiring Worldly Fun".

Apply this simple acronym to your everyday life, and watch yourself find freedom in Christ through His powerful Word.  

R.E.E.D.

R-ecognize

-Your Emotions!  Ask God to show you what emotions you are feeling and why.

E-xpress

Your Emotions to God!  He already knows them.

Example- "I am tired of drinking and messing up with my boyfriend.  I feel so defeated by this, but Lord, I want to follow You and not my sin."

E-valuate

Your emotions in Light of God's Word!

"Are my emotions in charge?  What do they reflect about my beliefs about God?"

D-ecide

To replace your thinking and behavior with God's Truth.

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit 

of the Lord is, there is freedom."-2 Corinthians 3:17 

BEAUTY

Lie:
"We have to look a certain way to be beautiful and if we don’t look that way we won't be as valuable to others.  We constantly need to worry about our appearance because that is what really matters.  If I don't have a certain body type, I will be unattractive and undesirable."

Truth:
Psalm 139:14 says we are fearfully and wonderfully made.  We are God’s masterpieces.  We were fashioned by him and absolutely beautiful because our Creator can NOT make mistakes.

According to 1 Samuel 16:7 God does not care much about our outward appearance, He is concerned with our heart.

You are all together BEAUTIFUL, my darling; there is no flaw in you. Song of Solomon 4:7 

*

Below is a video a few friends and I did for "Project Illuminate"  to encourage women that they are not alone in their battle with unhealthy body image and insecurities.  "Project Illuminate" is a call to value, worth and freedom. Women today live in a battle of insecurity from body image, but you're not alone and the battle is already won - walk in the Light.

If you are looking for a tool to help you assess where you are on the spectrum with healthy vs. disordered eating, this website will help!:

http://www.eat-26.com 

(The Eating Attitudes Test (EAT-26) is probably the most widely used standardized 

self-report measure of symptoms and concerns characteristic of eating disorders.)

Cause Tonight's Gonna be a Good Night

Father, thank you that you are near.  You are good.  You are light in whom there is no darkness at all.  You made the trees and the birds and the flowers and every single one of us.  You are Lord over the skies and the seas.  You are Lord of all.  Not even a bird can fall from the sky without your knowledge.  You see us.  You hear us.  You are abounding in grace and love, when we have done nothing to deserve your kindness at all.  Thank you that your character is not like our own.  No one could ever love us more or better than you, Jesus.  I confess that often while I know you see me and delight in me, I am so quick to act as though that isn't enough for me.  I run to the opinions of others to find my value and significance.  I'm so sorry for devaluing your approval of me so often. I ask that you would change me.  Reveal to me, Lord, why I am so quick to look to busyness and fun and what others think of me to find myself valuable and worthy of love.  Speak through me, Lord.  Teach me.  There is no wisdom in me apart from you.  I trust you, Father, and I believe, by your grace, you will speak through me.  Thank you for saving me and committing to me forever and ever.

*

So from what I hear, most people have their wild child stages in high school or college, right?  My wild child stage, however, was a bit postponed, in that it didn't take place until my first year out of college.  I had moved to D.C. and was working for Teach for America.  Initially when I moved there, I didn't really know anyone, to be honest.  I had made a sweet friend from Louisiana from our little TFA Facebook group, and I had become friends with my roommate from one of our mutual friends from college.  But that was about the extent of it.  

Thus as most people do after graduating college, I was forced to pretty much completely start over.  I had to make all new friends, establish my identity, find a church, set up boundaries for myself, figure out how to be an adult, and more.  Lemme just tell ya, from my experience, the learning curve for adulthood is huge.  If you're not there yet, let me be the first to forewarn you.  Get ready.  They don't tell you these things when you're in college.  Or at least to the best of my knowledge, no one told me.

All that being said, let's let the fun begin, shall we?  

Embarrassing story time.

So my roommate, Chelsea, and I were just about to move into our new apartment.  TFA Summer Institute was coming to a close, and we were ecstatic to finally have the chance to get everything together and start our little lives -- two blocks from the Capitol in a beautiful, quaint building with wood floors and creamy walls, which I will forever hold near and dear to my heart.  We lived on the third floor in Apartment #5.  The Supreme Court graced us with its presence morning and night just beyond the picture window in our living room.  I remember standing in the middle of the apartment the first day I saw it, squealing and saying, "Lord Jesus, I can't believe you would do this for me!!!!!!"  The joy is filling my heart again, even as we speak.  It was so fun!  I love that city more than I can say.

Chels and I resolved to throw a little impromptu party at our apartment the night before we actually moved all of our things.  We didn't really have any food to offer anyone, let alone any tables at which people could sit.  So naturally we made a picnic consisting of chips and salsa on the apartment floor.  I remember thinking, "Wow.  This is so fun!!!!  I'm an adult.  I live in the freaking capitol city of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, and I'm having people over to my house even though we have absolutely no furniture, nothing hung on the walls, and there isn't even a candle burning in the living room.  This defies almost everything I know about being a Southern hostess, and I love it!"

cue Pitbull/Ke$ha... "Let's make a night you won't remember. I'll be the one, you won't forget."

Lol... After that, however, I admit I don't remember much more because I had so much to drink that ... how shall I put this?  My memory evades me...  What I do remember -- quite vividly, in fact -- was waking up the next morning feeling as though a whirlpool of death was churning around in my stomach.   This is where it gets good.  So Chelsea and I had arranged to pick up a couch we had found on Craigslist that morning.  Our plan was to metro to the closest Zipcar location, grab our little rental truck, pick up our new (to us) white couch, and begin settling into our new home!  I had imagined that day would be filled with only the sweetest of memories -- new couches, laughter, maybe a little run around the National Mall afterwards.  What I did not quite envision was the unforgettable moment in which I had to ask the Craigslister from whom we purchased our couch if I could use her bathroom to throw up because I was so sick.

I feel like everyone can agree when you pick something up you've purchased on Craigslist, it's a get-in and get-out scenario.  You don't want to stick around, and they don't want you sticking around.  But literally the last thing you want to do is spend more than 10 minutes in the Craiglister's bathroom -- throwing up for what seemed like an eternity.  This is especially the case for germaphobe #1 here, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Such a shining hour in the life of Caitlyn Kutch.  Quite a valiant, respectable, and lovely precedence I set for myself those first few weeks of life in the District...  Heavens!

Though I promised myself I would never do that again, this pattern continued quite regularly throughout the course of the fall.  I can't tell you how many Friday nights I thought, "I just want to have fun!" and how many Saturday mornings I thought, "Was that really that fun?  And was that fun really worth it because now I feel like death.  I will NEVER do that again."  Until next weekend.  It's all for the sake of being fun, right?  Being liked?  Fitting in?  Having fun?  Feeling full of life?  Even though I would have never admitted it, those were undoubtedly the thoughts running through my head.

Yet while I was having "more fun" than I'd ever had, I'd never been more miserable and depressed in my life.  

Have you ever felt that way?  "I'm supposed to be having so much fun.  I'm living the high life.  I have enough money to go out on the weekends and buy what I want, within reason.  I have friends.  I'm living in this glamorous city, doing all of these glamorous things.  I should be so happy, but I'm actually miserable."  The irony...

I remember one Sunday morning in November, feeling horribly sick and sorry for myself (just call me the pity party queen).  I pulled myself out of bed and walked to the Starbucks closest to my house, ordered a cup of coffee, and sat down to spend time with the Lord.  I slowly and quietly approached His throne that morning in a Starbucks on 3rd and Pennsylvania with a blue pen in my hand and my head hung low.  

"Father...  Father, I never thought I would be in this place.  Why?  Why am I seeking after all of these things to satisfy me?  Why do I so desperately want to have fun?  Why do I so desperately want to be fun?  Lord, when I'm really honest, this isn't fun!  Maybe I have fun for an hour or two or maybe four, but it's never enough.  It's as though there is this deep, insatiable hole inside of my heart that I'm trying to fill, and no matter what I do it's never enough.  Whenever I go out, I am consumed with thinking about what others are thinking about me, 'Do they like me?  Am I fun enough?   Am I being weird?  I just want to be known and liked and loved and valued.  I hope they like me.  What can I do to be more likable?  What can I do to be more fun?'  It's horrible, and all I can think about is myself.  

I'm so depressed that I end up throwing myself into these situations that I think are going to change the condition of my heart and fill me with joy, only to find that the next morning, I'm right back where I started -- if not worse.  Father, I have sinned against heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your daughter.  I have looked to my job, this city, friends, beer, wine, boys, what others think of me, my reputation, how 'fun' I am, and more to find the satisfaction I'm so desperately searching for, when deep in my heart of hearts, I know that kind of satisfaction is found in you alone.  What am I doing?  I'm scouring the world, hoping to find fulfillment, freedom, joy, value, significance, and love, when you've already offered it to me freely.  

I'm so broken.  I have been so ungrateful and hard-hearted.  I've known you as my Lord and Savior and closest friend, and it's as though I've abandoned you for all the things of this world.  I've exchanged you -- the one, true, holy, perfect, just, gracious, and loving Lord -- for the broken things of this world.  I've looked to things that are broken to fix my brokenness.  I have refused to receive your joy and your plan and sought to find and create it on my own, only to discover that I can't find true joy apart from you.  I have spoken so many words of complaint.  Oh Jesus, I'm so sorry.  I don't -- "

It was almost as if He stopped me right there.

It was though in an instant everything has been forgiven and cast into the sea of forgetfulness.

"Quick!"  He said with overflowing love and compassion, "Turn on some Christmas carols, and let's deck the halls with boughs of holly because my baby girl is home!  Where's the dazzling radiant silk?  Let's dress her in the finest.  Let me look at you.  Ohhh you're so beautiful.  How I've missed you!  Can I spin you?  I know how you love to spin...!  I love you.  Oh I love you so much, little one."

It gives me chills to this day.  Our Father receives us in our brokenness, in our wickedness, in our callousness, and He doesn't only open the door to let us in His home, He runs to us with open arms and abounding joy.

The Lord ran to me with deep gladness in His heart that morning, as He had done many times in the past, has done many days since, and by His grace, will continue to do so for the rest of my life.  I continually find myself in sin, and somehow in He continually shows me His grace and steadfast love, which will never depart from me.  Thank you, Jesus.  Not only did the Lord receive me with gladness that day, but He was so gracious to teach me what was going in my heart -- something I have been learning and re-learning over the past two years.  

He began to teach me how and why "having fun" and "being fun" had become such an unhealthy idol in my life.  In all honesty, there wasn't particularly anything wrong with the type of fun I was having.  I don't think there is anything inherently evil about alcohol or dancing or staying up late or having a good time.  A good drink, a fun dance, and a sassy dress can be so much fun.  Heck, I'm all about those things!  There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have fun or being a fun person.  I am convinced Jesus is more fun than anyone we know.  Furthermore, I believe He created us to have fun -- to laugh, to play, to sing, to be filled with His joy -- so we could experience and worship Him.  But the problem was that my "fun" was not leading me to praise, thank, and worship God.  What I sought to receive from my "fun" was glory for myself and satisfaction for my soul that only God can provide.  

I wanted to be fun, 

so other people would think I was fun, 

so then I could really have fun,

so my soul would truly feel

satisfied.  

He showed me that "having fun" becomes destructive in my life when I'm using "fun" and the opinions of others as a source to supply me with a greater sense of worth.  While I know that I have the complete approval of the Lord because of what Jesus has done on my behalf, I am quick to say, "That's not enough for me.  Perhaps I have your approval and love, Lord, but what I really want is the love and approval of all of these people.  I want them to think I'm fun and cool, and if they do, if they think highly of me, I will feel more significant, valuable, and worthy of love."

How messed up is that??!!!?!!?!  Not only was I serving this idea of "fun" but I was serving the opinions of others and ultimately myself.  The Holy Spirit helped me to realize that if I left an evening not feeling like I had the complete approval of everyone I was with, I didn't consider it to be a fun evening.  And even if I did go to sleep feeling as though I was liked by everyone I had spent time with that night, I always woke up the next morning fearing, "What if they decide they don't really like me after all?"  I had become a slave to the approval of others and finding fulfillment in my experiences and things apart from the Lord.  

And yet in His perfect wisdom and grace, He reminded me, "Your value isn't found in what you do or in what other people think of you, but in who I say you are and what I think of you."  Your value isn't found in what you do, but in who you are.  Your value -- for the good or the bad -- isn't found in what you do.  Your value -- for the good or the bad -- isn't found in what others think of you.  Your value isn't even found in what you think of yourself -- though your opinion of yourself does tend to have a huge affect on how you live.  Your value is found in who the Lord says you are and what He thinks of you.

When I first heard that, I distinctly remember thinking, "There's no way that's true.  How could someone -- let alone God -- ever just love me because He loves me?  How could His love for me and approval of me not be dependent upon what I'm doing and how I'm performing?  That's literally impossible."

But what do you know, it isn't impossible, and it's completely true.

God doesn't love you because of what you do or what you don't do.  He doesn't love you because you're the good kid or you share the Gospel with hundreds of people or you feed the homeless or you have memorized the whole Bible.  He doesn't love you because you come from a good family or you go to church or you work hard at your job.  As much as sometimes I act as though my value is found my performance, it isn't.  I am no more valuable when I'm work from 6 a.m. to midnight than when I don't work at all.  I'm no more lovable when I wear a size 2 than when I wear a size 8.  My worth does not increase when others think highly of me and tell me I'm worthy of love.  His love for me does not decrease when I fail miserably, when I cry out in anger, when I harbor bitterness in my heart.  Likewise my value and worth do not decrease when I'm spit upon, rejected, and considered ridiculous.  

For those who have placed their faith and trust in Jesus, we have been given the very value and worth of Jesus Himself.  Thus for those who are in Christ, when God looks upon us, He sees the very works of Jesus.

It's what theologians like to call the great exchange.

And it is just that.  It is the greatest exchange.  

God loved us so much that while we were still sinners and wanted nothing to do with Him whatsoever, He sent us Jesus, who came and lived a completely perfect life for us.  The fact that we're sinful means that we've chosen other things over God.  We've gone our own way and done what we thought was best in our own eyes.  We've ignored God, and though He is Lord of all, we've tried to give ourselves that title -- controlling and manipulating countless circumstances to work out the way we see best fit.  

The punishment we deserve for our sin is death, but Jesus took on the punishment that we deserve and died in our place.  Though He never once sinned, though He never so much as even thought an impure thought, He took on our sin on our behalf, so that we could be free.  He knew we would never be able to free ourselves.  We would never be able to fix ourselves.  We would never be able to make ourselves clean or fill ourselves with joy and peace that lasts forever.  But He loved us so much that He came.  Knowing we would reject Him, He came.  Knowing we would spit upon Him, He came.  Knowing He would endure the most brutal suffering of all time, He came.  

Jesus was crucified, and He rose from death.  

In His death, Jesus took on all of our sins, and He gave us His righteousness.  It was the only way we would ever be able to have a perfect relationship with God.  God is so perfect and so holy, that nothing but that which is perfect and holy can be in relationship with Him.  Obviously we are far from perfect and holy in ourselves, and nothing we do can truly change the sinful condition of our hearts.  But Jesus made a way for us to be made right with God and have a relationship with Him forever.  

When you place you faith in Jesus, God forgives and saves you from all of our sins.  You are made new by His power, and every good thing Christ ever did is now attributed to you.  Think about that.  Every good thing Jesus ever did is now yours.  When God looks at you, He sees the very works of Christ.

When we truly receive this identity, we no longer have to be consumed by whether or not others think we're fun or cool or likable or worthy of love.  We have been shown the unconditional love of God through Christ, and our value is now found in Him.  It no longer matters if we're the "fun" friends because we have nothing left to earn or prove.  We have all of the value and significance we could ever hope for.  God loves us, delights in us, and enjoys us.  He fills us with the Holy Spirit and satisfies the deep needs of our hearts.

When we truly believe that, when we look to Jesus to find our value and worth, we can enjoy things and people without crushing them.  We can have fun without serving fun, constantly worrying what we ought to be doing or how we ought to be acting or how we hope others would perceive us.  We can go backpacking through Europe and know that the adventure itself will never satisfy the deep desire for adventure in our hearts, but Jesus can.  We can have a drink with friends, knowing that experience will not satisfy the deep needs of our hearts, but Jesus does.  Furthermore, we can be confident that any good and pure adventure or great drink or fun experience is a reflection of our good, adventurous, and fun Father in heaven.  Thus we are drawn into deeper intimacy with Him and desire to give Him glory and honor for how wonderful He is.

When I think about the most fun moments in my thus far, they've been moments in which I have felt safe, loved, secure, and free to really enjoy the situations around me.  They've been moments in which I've been able to escape the idea that what other people think of me determines my value because my value is secure.  I'm free from fear.  I'm free from worry.  It is in those moments that I am resting in who God has made me to be in Christ.  By God's grace, I wear the robes of righteousness, which I'm pretty sure will sparkle and shine for miles in heaven one day.  He has not only called me His own, He has made me His own.  He continuously fills me with His goodness and His life, and He is enough for me. 

"Jesus said to her, 'Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.  The water I will give him will become in Him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'" -John 4:13-14

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.  So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.  Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.  So I will bless your name as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands.  My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.  My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." -Psalm 63:1-8


"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore, I will hope in Him.'  The Lord is good to those who wait for Him." -Lamentations 3:22-25

*

Lord, help us to draw near to you.  Help us to believe that you are enough for us.  Convict our hearts regarding areas of our lives which we are beginning to use for our own glory instead of allowing them to lift our hearts in praise to you.  Thank you that you are so fun!  Thank you that you've made us to be fun.  Thank you that you satisfy our hearts.  Thank you for settings us free from our enslavement to the approval of others.  May we walk intimately with you today and truly receive the identity you've given us through Jesus.  Thank you that you never give up on us, Lord.  Thank you for making me your own.  I love you forever.